“Are you pain-free now? "

"Are you pain-free now?"

I recently got this question from a reader, who pointed out that it wasn't clear from my blog. Good question, I thought. I should clarify that!

Why the hesitation, you may wonder? Isn't that a simple yes or no answer?

Well, kinda. The simple answer is "Yes" but I have so much hesitation about declaring it. This question made me realize that I fear saying "Yes, I'm pain-free," because if I then ever had a flare-up, people would think I was dishonest or fraudulent.

On the other hand, if I boldly state my success and do remain healthy, then people may develop some ridiculously high expectation of me. I fear saying "I'm pain-free" is the equivalent of saying "I'm perfect for forever and ever and shall never have a health problem again because I've figured it all out!" - and well, I am human. While I acknowledge that I put a ton of work into my recovery and it paid off, life is still a huge mystery, and there is so much I don't understand about how human bodies work.

So, let me explain the gray area between "yes" and "no."

One of the things I have learned from chronic health issues is that they ebb and flow - like, oh, EVERYTHING in life. There is HUGE, ginormous misunderstanding about this in our society, which leads to unneccessary stigma - that we are somehow in one bin (healthy) or the other (unhealthy). People in the "healthy" bin supposedly live happy, productive lives, while those in the "unhealthy" bin wither in obscurity (or something like that.)

But life is not like that. Some people seem "healthy" on the surface but are struggling to manage anxiety, depression, digestive problems, or whatever behind the scenes. Many people with long-term health challenges lead joyful, productive lives both personally and professionally. Also, even robust physically "healthy" folk are still human and face other challenges. We all have ups and downs of some kind or another. We all have strengths and weaknesses, blind spots, and beautiful gifts to share.

So, if you want more detail, and for me to answer the question already, here is my story, using the commonly understood pain experience of migraines/headaches as an analogy for v pain:

From 2004 - 2007 I had 365 migraines a year. It was hard to function or be happy then, although I still dragged myself to school and then work and back home again.

After three years I finally found some help. The migraines went away for a few months, but then I experienced some very stressful life events, and they came back. I then managed to find some other, new help, and learned and grew and changed, and my daily migraines dissipated. They became just plain old headaches, and then only intermittent headaches.

Now I have headaches a few times a year. They are usually pretty mild, the kind I don't even need Tylenol for, but on the rare occasion they warrant a Tylenol, I'll take it.

I think going from 365 debilitating migraines per year to the occasional mild headache is pretty impressive on the healing-from-chronic-pain scale! It is a fan-frickin'-tastic, raging success story.

As far as translating that analogy back to the v pain experience, in my "migraine" days I was in constant pain that would be exacerbated by even a slight touch, like wearing properly-sized underwear. All of my pants were two sizes too big, and I sought out jobs that allowed me to stand, as sitting was excruciating. Intercourse was a no-go (although I still had consistent pleasurable sex thanks to my clitoris. Oh how I love her!)

Now, with only the occasional headache, I live a normal life, with pants that fit - even tight jeans. I never worry about "How long will this activity require me to sit?" and enjoy intercourse and sex in general with such enthusiasm that my husband worries the neighbors will hear. 

Functionally, I am a totally different person. 

Another huge shift in my experience is that I no longer see pain as the enemy. It only crops up when my body is like, "Hey lady, I need a little adjustment here." It's my body's way of telling me that I need to change something, often in my relationships with myself or the outside world. I think the reason I so rarely need "Tylenol" these days (aka topical estrogen or some other kind of intervention) is because I have become so good at reading the messages of my body and responding in a loving way.

For instance, I get actual headaches when I am dehydrated, overdoing it, sleep-deprived, or stressed out. I get shoulder tension, forearm tension, and wrist pain when I am too long at the computer. Yes, these cues are annoying, but on the other hand if I take care of myself  - stay hydrated, get sleep, take breaks from the computer - the physical cues to "adjust please" don't happen because there's no need for them. That's pretty reasonable, right?

It's the same with v pain. I feel little warning twinges when my boundaries are being disrespected or I feel really angry but am trying to hold it in. Since I know this about myself, the slightest hint of pelvic floor discomfort helps me stop, take a moment to figure where I am being violated, and then adjust course. Presto, pain averted.

Am I guaranteed to be pain-free every moment of every day, for forever and ever? No. Have I become the absolute master of my body and can fix everything about it exactly the way I want, every time? No. Have I achieved some mythical state of perfection, and no longer need to keep growing and learning? No. Am I still a work in progress? Yes. 

Am I pain-free enough to live the life I want? Yes. 

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I share this level of detail with you all because when I first started having pain, I couldn't find a single role model! I wanted to hear a hopeful story, but there were none to be found.

So now you have it. I have become the (flawed, totally human) role model I wanted, ta da! Even if your pain is debilitating and you are having 365 "migraines" a year,

getting better is possible.

I'm proof.

I'm here. I'm real. I climbed this mountain and you can too.

HUGS!

~ Faith ~

Yes, we're still here! and still talkin' lady parts!

Hello lovelies! Holy cow, it's June!

I realize that from your point of view it appears that this website has faded into non-existence, but in fact I have been in a 6 month email conversation with another writer across the pond in the UK. We'll be introducing her soon, but in the meanwhile it has been WAY TOO LONG without a post!

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I recently saw an ad in a local magazine that caught my eye:

In case you didn't read all that, there's a woman who makes plaster casts of vulvas, as a tool for personal healing and self expression.

How cool!

It was a great reminder to me that how we view female parts is so closely related to our ability to heal them. If we think we are disgusted by them, or think that they are ugly, why would we set aside time to help them?

Learning to have a loving relationship with our bodies is an important part of cultivating the willingness to heal. If you are fighting for something you love and value, it becomes so much easier to set aside time for it, to stick up for it, to advocate for it.

If you suffer from v-shame - and frankly most women in this country do at some point - let me get up on my soapbox and say that in my experience, it is totally fun and rewarding to overcome it! Some suggestions:

1.) Check out books like Femalia or the wonderfully interactive Cunt Coloring Book. Hey, adult coloring books are all the rage these days ;)

2.) Check out art like The Great Wall of Vagina or performances of the Vagina Monologues.

2.) FIND YOUR POSSE! It helps SOOOO much to have a group of friends who love to talk about the almighty v or at least want to become someone who loves to talk about the almighty v. Fake it 'til you make it and all that.

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Did I and do I still have an awesome v posse? Have they been an amazing help to me? Yes, yes, yes! But that is a story for another post...

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PS In my internet perusals I found another woman making yoni casts. Her website has some good images of the process if you are intrigued. Scroll to the bottom of this link.

This was my subtle hint at yoni casting casting...awesome, no?

Letting Go

"Clearing out" has become the theme for this quarter of the year, and it turned out to be a much bigger project than I originally thought it would be. (See earlier posts here and here.) Two months after I started, I am still putting things on Craigslist and bringing donations to Goodwill. Lest you think I must be a hoarder, far from it - a number of friends have responded to my quest with a quizzical look and "But Faith, your house is never cluttered!"

"Excess," "clutter," and "too much," I am realizing, are relative concepts.

Clearing out my physical belongings brought up deeper questions about how I want to live my life. The number of unfinished projects and under- or un-used items I discovered has led me to look deeply at my expectations of myself and what I can reasonably accomplish with my time. 

And as part of this process I realized that I want to give this blog a rest.

More than one insightful person in my life has gently told me that just because I spent over a decade fighting v pain doesn't mean it has to take over my life. The thing is, I don't know what it means to be an adult without v pain. And yet here I am, unmedicated and virtually pain-free all the time...and still thinking and talking and writing about it.

I have had this idea in my head for years that somehow the misery would be worth it if I in turn helped other women. That I could redeem the experience somehow. It somehow seemed selfish or bad to simply do the work of healing and then move on with my life. As a result, so much of my self-worth is tied up in this blog that I do as a hobby. 

Healing myself wasn't enough, oh no - I want my healing to multi-task! I want the effort I put into myself and my own journey to apply to other people or situations, too. Sadly, on some level I didn't think that I as an individual was worth all the time and effort I put into my healing. I rationalized the time and money I spent on myself by reminding myself that I am not alone, and that what I learned would help others too.

But you know what? I want to be someone who loves herself enough to do her own healing work for no reason other than my own benefit. That's enough. I'm enough.

Along this descent into confronting pain, other parts of myself have fallen by the wayside. What happened to the young woman who wanted to go to design school, who wanted to be an urban planner or a product designer or an architect, who wanted to become fluent in another language? Not all of those dreams tug at me as they once did, but I still feel compelled to test my devotion to this blog.

My last class of the Yoga for V Pain series will be done in a few days. Without teaching that, and without writing, and without having symptoms...my mind and body could be v pain free for the first time in my adult life. That's a crazy thought.

In this moment, it's hard for me to believe that I will ever completely walk away from this blog and topic. After all, the knowledge I have gained about freeing oneself from v pain was pretty hard fought, and I do wish to pass on what I have learned to anyone who will benefit.

On the other hand, I think of all the years that I wished my v pain would go away so I could get on with my life, do anything other than experience and think about and learn about pain. And now it's like, whoa, wait a second, that time has arrived and I'm still hanging on.

It's possible that my time away from this blog will result in me permanently closing it so I can focus on other things. (Ah! Scary thought! Self-worth threatened!) It's also possible that the blog will remain, but my approach will change. ("Faith," they say, "you don't have to make your life about pain." "But my blog and yoga classes aren't about pain," I protest, "they are about loving yourself and valuing yourself and being who you want to be and overcoming trauma and cultivating pleasure and safety in your body!" So maybe the focus needs to change, but there is some thread that will continue?)

Anyways...it is the day before Thanksgiving. My love has just arrived home, and there are hugs to be made, and dinner to make, and dishes to prepare for tomorrow's feast. My life is waiting.

Winter solstice and Christmas are just around the corner, and here in the Northern Hemisphere we are coming into the darkest time of the year. I plan to spend the next few weeks doing one last purge, enjoying the loved ones in my life, going to and throwing holiday parties, and then... I have planned an afternoon of making vision boards with a couple girlfriends. 

I am looking forward to the letting go, and the celebration, and sitting around the fire with two other incredible women who are also going through big transitions and want to dream big.

I wish you all a wonderful holiday season. May you enjoy the long dark nights this time brings. I will post an update in January...

Blogger Buddy Time!

Last week I got to do something AWESOME.

After a year or so of email correspondence, I finally got to meet Sarah, the blogger behind When Sex Hurts There Is Hope. Yay! She was in town visiting friends, so we got some lunch and walked around Lake Merritt.

Even someone as public as I am about v pain still has a hard time finding other women willing to identify themselves as being in the same boat. Given our cultural context, v pain brings up enormous baggage: boatloads of shame, fear, and lots of other yucky stuff. Better to just shove it back in the closet and ignore it, right?

So I understand cognitively why there is so much silence, and I understand on a gut level because of my own personal experience. I took me a looooooooong time to open up about this topic.

But ya know what?

Shame derives its power from being unspeakable.

- Brene Brown

So when two women get together for something as simple as a chat, they are actually being amazing revolutionaries at the same time. (How's that for multi-tasking?)

Let's face it, it took Sarah and I heckuva lot of time and effort in the personal growth department to make that little lunch possible.

I am so proud of us!!!!!!!!!!

I love Sarah's blog because she and I have the same aim: to be truthful about the real, significant, and deep challenges of v pain while still being, as her blog title notes, hopeful. But of course her site is also completely different because it's being written by a different person having different experiences. I encourage you to check it out - she has some awesome posts coming up! 

A Genius Thought on Self-Care!

"Treat self care as a holy practice to commune with the divine." 

Here I am sitting at the courthouse, waiting for jury duty to start and flipping through my emails. And then I saw that buried in a blog post from Leonie Dawson (a gorgeously messy and soulful woman if there ever was one). Holy cow I had to pass it on. 

It's so amazing and beautiful and awesome and I love it!

I have long known that self-care is important, but I have never thought of it is a vehicle to be with the divine. And yet - looking back over my life, it's the periods when I care for myself the best that I feel most at one with God. The crazy-making stress is worst when I am not caring for myself, and thus feeling distant from my relationship with the universe and my spirit.

Love it! Love. It.

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PS Did this post get your brain gears crankin'?

Feel free to start a conversation below (it's okay, you can be anonymous)!