Yes, we're still here! and still talkin' lady parts!

Hello lovelies! Holy cow, it's June!

I realize that from your point of view it appears that this website has faded into non-existence, but in fact I have been in a 6 month email conversation with another writer across the pond in the UK. We'll be introducing her soon, but in the meanwhile it has been WAY TOO LONG without a post!

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I recently saw an ad in a local magazine that caught my eye:

In case you didn't read all that, there's a woman who makes plaster casts of vulvas, as a tool for personal healing and self expression.

How cool!

It was a great reminder to me that how we view female parts is so closely related to our ability to heal them. If we think we are disgusted by them, or think that they are ugly, why would we set aside time to help them?

Learning to have a loving relationship with our bodies is an important part of cultivating the willingness to heal. If you are fighting for something you love and value, it becomes so much easier to set aside time for it, to stick up for it, to advocate for it.

If you suffer from v-shame - and frankly most women in this country do at some point - let me get up on my soapbox and say that in my experience, it is totally fun and rewarding to overcome it! Some suggestions:

1.) Check out books like Femalia or the wonderfully interactive Cunt Coloring Book. Hey, adult coloring books are all the rage these days ;)

2.) Check out art like The Great Wall of Vagina or performances of the Vagina Monologues.

2.) FIND YOUR POSSE! It helps SOOOO much to have a group of friends who love to talk about the almighty v or at least want to become someone who loves to talk about the almighty v. Fake it 'til you make it and all that.

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Did I and do I still have an awesome v posse? Have they been an amazing help to me? Yes, yes, yes! But that is a story for another post...

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PS In my internet perusals I found another woman making yoni casts. Her website has some good images of the process if you are intrigued. Scroll to the bottom of this link.

This was my subtle hint at yoni casting casting...awesome, no?

euForia?

My sister recently sent me an article about a new product to ease menstrual cramps, a THC and CBD infused vaginal suppository. Yup, THC and CBD as in weed.

I am intrigued.

Apparently the product, Foria Relief, was engineered to provide the cramp relief marijuana can provide without getting the user high. Awesome. I don't always cramp, but when I do they can be vicious and do not respond at all to painkillers, so I am definitely interested.

BUT I am also super curious as to whether Foria Relief could help women with really tight pelvic floor muscles. It is supposed to be inserted as high into the vagina as possible, to be in close proximity to the intended target of the muscles of the uterus. Could it also affect neighboring pelvic floor muscles?  If not, is there another way to engineer or apply the active ingredients so that it could be helpful?

Since Foria's products are marijuana-based, they are currently only available in California and Colorado. If you live there or close by, it might be worth talking to your doctor about it - or writing to Foria to see if they would be willing to collaborate with an OBGYN or PT to make a new product! That's not crazy talk - this product came about because an OBGYN proposed it to the company.

Also worth noting: Foria's first product was a weed-based topical libido enhancer, Foria Pleasure. I think it's really cool that there is something out there other than Flibanserin...you can find out more on the Foria website.

Has anyone used a Foria product? I'd be curious to hear of your experience!

Write for My V Matters - 'cuz yours does too!

So after a lot of dragging my feet and hemming and hawing, I have finally decided to move on from writing this blog.

What was the clincher? My uterus. I was doing a mind body meditation in which I was chatting with my body and seeing how it was doing and noticed that my uterus was kind of dull and drained. I checked in with it and asked how I could help, and the answer was loud and clear: "Give up the pelvic pain bandwagon for cryin' out loud! You've got one foot in, one foot out, you don't really want to keep doing this, and I am so over it." Since my uterus is the queen of my creativity, I heeded her advice. And immediately felt more energized.

Sometimes no amount of brain thinking gives me the immediate clarity of physical wisdom. 

I have closed my Yoga for Pelvic Pain MeetUp group, and notified another organization that I won't be available to teach for their patients this spring. I withdrew from a pelvic pain workshop.

And it feels GOOD.

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What of this website though? I've worked so hard to make My V Matters matter, isn't that worth something? I don't want it to become one of those sad, abandoned blogs...

One option is to thank it for its service and kill it off, but I wanted to give you, oh wonderful community, a chance to keep it going.

I got this idea from another blog: writer rotation. Rather than remove the blog or leave it as one of those dreadful inactive ghost blogs, I would have another woman take over writing responsibilities for a year. My old posts would stay up, and readers would benefit from another perspective. At the end of Writer #2's year, she could commit to another year or pass the torch.

What is the benefit to you? I learned so much from forcing myself to write consistently on this topic. It encouraged me to be more active in looking for outside resources, and has also been a great tool for self-reflection, confidence-building, and learning to be more loving with myself.

Interested? Here's what I'm looking for in a second writer:

• Tone: I would like to keep the tone of this blog the same: honest about the challenges v pain presents, while still being hopeful and positive. We want to uplift readers, not bring them down!
• Content: I have written a lot about spirituality and the emotional side of v pain, but you would be welcome to take it to a more technical or science-y place if that floats your boat! As long as it is about v pain and your experience, that's cool. Also, I have chosen the written word as my primary medium, but you don't have to: you could provide poetry, video, music, visual art, etc.
• Your writing background: You don't have to have any special degree or background in writing, but it would be great if you enjoy writing and can write clearly, without spelling mistakes or grammatical errors (unless done on purpose for creative expression of course!) 
• Images: *Any and all images would of course have to be legally obtained,* ie your own or used with permission (no copying and pasting stuff off the web.) I learned how to use Canva (the free version) to create images for each post. You could use Canva as well, or provide your own imagery: drawings, photos, whatever.  If you are really opposed to images, it's not a deal breaker - maybe we can redesign to site to make it look good without an image for each post.
• Frequency: I currently write once a week and post on Wednesdays. You do not have to keep the same schedule, but I would like you to commit to completing at least 12 posts (ie one a month), preferably on a consistent schedule of your choosing. Of course, this is a hobby and not a job, so you might not hit that target, but I would like you to at least be aiming for one. (I don't want someone to pump out 15 posts in a week and then do nothing for the rest of the year.) Part of what creates community, and the personal growth benefits of writing, is consistency and showing up. :)
• Money honey! I pay an annual fee to Squarespace for hosting the blog and the use of their tools. If I am to pass the reins onto another writer, I do not want to keep paying this fee. If you are willing to take on that cost yourself, awesome, but if you are not able to than perhaps we can set up a donate button or pass the hat somehow? You don't have to be able to front the money yourself, but I would require a willingness to help me problem-solve that issue.
• General Awesomeness: Since you and I would be working together to make this happen, it would be cool if you are generally awesome: respectful, responsible, creative, someone who would be great to work with on our little two-person team, but also someone independent and committed enough so that I can step back knowing that the website is in good hands.

If you want to write for My V Matters for a year, please let me know by February 1st, 2016, and write a sample post and a paragraph about why you'd like the gig by February 15th, 2016. (That will give you enough time to write a post, but if no one is interested I'd rather know sooner rather than later.) Start time is negotiable, but I am thinking that you would be taking over by March 1st. You can get in touch through the contact page.  

Til then, to a happy pelvis!

Letting Go

"Clearing out" has become the theme for this quarter of the year, and it turned out to be a much bigger project than I originally thought it would be. (See earlier posts here and here.) Two months after I started, I am still putting things on Craigslist and bringing donations to Goodwill. Lest you think I must be a hoarder, far from it - a number of friends have responded to my quest with a quizzical look and "But Faith, your house is never cluttered!"

"Excess," "clutter," and "too much," I am realizing, are relative concepts.

Clearing out my physical belongings brought up deeper questions about how I want to live my life. The number of unfinished projects and under- or un-used items I discovered has led me to look deeply at my expectations of myself and what I can reasonably accomplish with my time. 

And as part of this process I realized that I want to give this blog a rest.

More than one insightful person in my life has gently told me that just because I spent over a decade fighting v pain doesn't mean it has to take over my life. The thing is, I don't know what it means to be an adult without v pain. And yet here I am, unmedicated and virtually pain-free all the time...and still thinking and talking and writing about it.

I have had this idea in my head for years that somehow the misery would be worth it if I in turn helped other women. That I could redeem the experience somehow. It somehow seemed selfish or bad to simply do the work of healing and then move on with my life. As a result, so much of my self-worth is tied up in this blog that I do as a hobby. 

Healing myself wasn't enough, oh no - I want my healing to multi-task! I want the effort I put into myself and my own journey to apply to other people or situations, too. Sadly, on some level I didn't think that I as an individual was worth all the time and effort I put into my healing. I rationalized the time and money I spent on myself by reminding myself that I am not alone, and that what I learned would help others too.

But you know what? I want to be someone who loves herself enough to do her own healing work for no reason other than my own benefit. That's enough. I'm enough.

Along this descent into confronting pain, other parts of myself have fallen by the wayside. What happened to the young woman who wanted to go to design school, who wanted to be an urban planner or a product designer or an architect, who wanted to become fluent in another language? Not all of those dreams tug at me as they once did, but I still feel compelled to test my devotion to this blog.

My last class of the Yoga for V Pain series will be done in a few days. Without teaching that, and without writing, and without having symptoms...my mind and body could be v pain free for the first time in my adult life. That's a crazy thought.

In this moment, it's hard for me to believe that I will ever completely walk away from this blog and topic. After all, the knowledge I have gained about freeing oneself from v pain was pretty hard fought, and I do wish to pass on what I have learned to anyone who will benefit.

On the other hand, I think of all the years that I wished my v pain would go away so I could get on with my life, do anything other than experience and think about and learn about pain. And now it's like, whoa, wait a second, that time has arrived and I'm still hanging on.

It's possible that my time away from this blog will result in me permanently closing it so I can focus on other things. (Ah! Scary thought! Self-worth threatened!) It's also possible that the blog will remain, but my approach will change. ("Faith," they say, "you don't have to make your life about pain." "But my blog and yoga classes aren't about pain," I protest, "they are about loving yourself and valuing yourself and being who you want to be and overcoming trauma and cultivating pleasure and safety in your body!" So maybe the focus needs to change, but there is some thread that will continue?)

Anyways...it is the day before Thanksgiving. My love has just arrived home, and there are hugs to be made, and dinner to make, and dishes to prepare for tomorrow's feast. My life is waiting.

Winter solstice and Christmas are just around the corner, and here in the Northern Hemisphere we are coming into the darkest time of the year. I plan to spend the next few weeks doing one last purge, enjoying the loved ones in my life, going to and throwing holiday parties, and then... I have planned an afternoon of making vision boards with a couple girlfriends. 

I am looking forward to the letting go, and the celebration, and sitting around the fire with two other incredible women who are also going through big transitions and want to dream big.

I wish you all a wonderful holiday season. May you enjoy the long dark nights this time brings. I will post an update in January...

Wanting

I've been reflecting on the act of wanting and the role it plays in my life.

Growing up, wanting was "bad." Wanting was covetousness or greed. Even if you wanted to do something good for the world, that was the deadly sin of pride. No matter where you stuck your foot out, wanting was trouble.

But it's really hard to get through life without wanting.

If you are going to be a productive member of society, you are going to want things. Some of those things are small and mundane, like paying the bills or remembering to buy milk. Some of them feel big and important: wanting to be professionally successful, or to find a partner, or to have children. 

Love, art, healing, connection, wisdom: so many good things come from wanting.

Even though I left the church where I learned that desire was bad over fifteen years ago, I still find the lessons ingrained in my mind. It's a reflex for me to reach out and then just as quickly pull back, before anyone has a chance to reprimand me.

I have come to notice what a contorted life that leads me to live! It's very hard to go after a goal if you don't allow yourself to want it. I find myself walking sideways and bending into all kinds of weird shapes as I try to get what I want - without wanting it. Tricky. (Not surprisingly, this method is often unsuccessful.)

One side effect is that everything has a back up plan. Instead of applying my immense creativity into getting what I want, I pour it into coming up with alternatives and trying to convince myself that those would be fine, too. Sure, deep in my heart of hearts I desperately want X but of course Y or Z would be fine! Just fine!

It's the curse of the good girl. Ugh.

So lately I have been playing around with actively wanting. What does that feel like? What does it taste like, to unabashedly want? To celebrate and honor my desires? (Yikes, just writing that I can feel the disapproval wafting from my childhood.) 

I have been told that wanting is courageous because it is a place of deep vulnerability, and I can see that.

But I am surprised to find that when I want, I feel grounded. I feel whole. I'm not lying about who I am or what my values are, or trying not to take up space, or trying to make someone else happy.

There is a flavor of wanting - proudly wanting something that is in line with your values and soul purpose - that has so much delicious integrity to it.

Really???!!! Really. (Why didn't anyone tell me that?)

When I fully want something, the gates open. My energy is cohesive and directed. I'm not scattered, trying to be a non-being.

This is a new world for me, for sure. 

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It is fascinating how desire can be so blatantly written off as "bad" when it's the impetus for all that is good in the world too. As far as I know English doesn't even have a way of differentiating between desires that bring us closer to the divine and those that bring us farther away. Sure, we all have desires that are worth overriding (like cutting someone off in traffic or generally being a jerk) but desire also brings us untold acts of love and kindness and beauty, fueled by our desire to connect with the infinite, ourselves and others.

Those are two very different things. Shouldn't there be two very different words to articulate them?

And isn't it also fascinating that desire and sexuality and creativity are all so intertwined, and that female desire is, in so many forms, taboo? (Are people scared of how much badness we would bring to the world if we connected to our desire, or are they scared of the potential tsunami of goodness?)

Of course, this being written by me, it all comes back to my body. How fascinating that my female organs - my organs most associated with fertility, creativity, pleasure, and yes, desire -have struggled with so much dysfunction and pain in this lifetime.

To Western medicine, my v pain is a chronic pain "disorder." Chronic pain doesn't make sense within that worldview. But sometimes when I step back and look at what I and so many other women go through on a daily basis, I'm like geez, no wonder my vagina spent so many years yelling at me to change.

I don't want to be in pain or wish it on others, and I am grateful that I have come so far in healing, but boy, don't tell my body that she didn't have a reason to send out distress signals. 'Cuz by golly she did!

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PS Did this post get your brain gears crankin'?

Feel free to start a conversation below (it's okay, you can be anonymous)!