Letting Go

"Clearing out" has become the theme for this quarter of the year, and it turned out to be a much bigger project than I originally thought it would be. (See earlier posts here and here.) Two months after I started, I am still putting things on Craigslist and bringing donations to Goodwill. Lest you think I must be a hoarder, far from it - a number of friends have responded to my quest with a quizzical look and "But Faith, your house is never cluttered!"

"Excess," "clutter," and "too much," I am realizing, are relative concepts.

Clearing out my physical belongings brought up deeper questions about how I want to live my life. The number of unfinished projects and under- or un-used items I discovered has led me to look deeply at my expectations of myself and what I can reasonably accomplish with my time. 

And as part of this process I realized that I want to give this blog a rest.

More than one insightful person in my life has gently told me that just because I spent over a decade fighting v pain doesn't mean it has to take over my life. The thing is, I don't know what it means to be an adult without v pain. And yet here I am, unmedicated and virtually pain-free all the time...and still thinking and talking and writing about it.

I have had this idea in my head for years that somehow the misery would be worth it if I in turn helped other women. That I could redeem the experience somehow. It somehow seemed selfish or bad to simply do the work of healing and then move on with my life. As a result, so much of my self-worth is tied up in this blog that I do as a hobby. 

Healing myself wasn't enough, oh no - I want my healing to multi-task! I want the effort I put into myself and my own journey to apply to other people or situations, too. Sadly, on some level I didn't think that I as an individual was worth all the time and effort I put into my healing. I rationalized the time and money I spent on myself by reminding myself that I am not alone, and that what I learned would help others too.

But you know what? I want to be someone who loves herself enough to do her own healing work for no reason other than my own benefit. That's enough. I'm enough.

Along this descent into confronting pain, other parts of myself have fallen by the wayside. What happened to the young woman who wanted to go to design school, who wanted to be an urban planner or a product designer or an architect, who wanted to become fluent in another language? Not all of those dreams tug at me as they once did, but I still feel compelled to test my devotion to this blog.

My last class of the Yoga for V Pain series will be done in a few days. Without teaching that, and without writing, and without having symptoms...my mind and body could be v pain free for the first time in my adult life. That's a crazy thought.

In this moment, it's hard for me to believe that I will ever completely walk away from this blog and topic. After all, the knowledge I have gained about freeing oneself from v pain was pretty hard fought, and I do wish to pass on what I have learned to anyone who will benefit.

On the other hand, I think of all the years that I wished my v pain would go away so I could get on with my life, do anything other than experience and think about and learn about pain. And now it's like, whoa, wait a second, that time has arrived and I'm still hanging on.

It's possible that my time away from this blog will result in me permanently closing it so I can focus on other things. (Ah! Scary thought! Self-worth threatened!) It's also possible that the blog will remain, but my approach will change. ("Faith," they say, "you don't have to make your life about pain." "But my blog and yoga classes aren't about pain," I protest, "they are about loving yourself and valuing yourself and being who you want to be and overcoming trauma and cultivating pleasure and safety in your body!" So maybe the focus needs to change, but there is some thread that will continue?)

Anyways...it is the day before Thanksgiving. My love has just arrived home, and there are hugs to be made, and dinner to make, and dishes to prepare for tomorrow's feast. My life is waiting.

Winter solstice and Christmas are just around the corner, and here in the Northern Hemisphere we are coming into the darkest time of the year. I plan to spend the next few weeks doing one last purge, enjoying the loved ones in my life, going to and throwing holiday parties, and then... I have planned an afternoon of making vision boards with a couple girlfriends. 

I am looking forward to the letting go, and the celebration, and sitting around the fire with two other incredible women who are also going through big transitions and want to dream big.

I wish you all a wonderful holiday season. May you enjoy the long dark nights this time brings. I will post an update in January...



Good News on the V Health Front

I recently read an article in the New York Times about the rising popularity of period tracker apps, and how they are easing the taboo around menstrual cycles for younger women.

AWESOME.

I love news like this.

I myself have used a tracker app for years, and while I don't think they are the be-all-end-all in terms of changing the national dialogue on periods, I think they are step in the right direction. If we can learn to talk comfortably about something common and normal like (gasp!) periods, it builds a foundation for discussing things that are not normal, like v pain. 

Why do I not think they are the be-all-end-all? Because there is still a lot of negativity around periods that tracking doesn't necessarily dissipate. For instance, in my own life I've overheard comments along the lines of "I love my period tracker because I know when I'm going to be a crazy b****," or "Ugh, it warns me of the dark times so I can plan around it."

In these scenarios the app is used as a coping mechanism to deal with an unavoidable evil rather than a tool to build a better relationship with your body so your periods can be easy, consistent, and comfortable - the way they are meant to be.

I would like to see tracker apps go one step further and include some education about how periods do not need to be hellish, and if they are, how that means something is awry. I really wish that there was more education in our society in general on this topic - there is a lot of unnecessary suffering going on. 

Side note: if you have troublesome periods and it's news to you that healthy periods are possible, check out "Women's Bodies, Women's Wisdom" by Christine Northrup for a nice introduction to living well with your cycle. If you want a lot more details on specific nutritional and lifestyle changes to support hormonal health, a great resource is Alisa Vitti's book "Woman Code" and her website www.floliving.comThe Red School focuses on the menstrual cycle as a route to psychospiritual and personal growth and leadership - a total 180 from how most people in our culture view them. If those don't resonate with you, there are plenty of additional resources, such as treatments and resources through the world of Traditional Chinese Medicine and other alternative and complementary care modalities. No need to suffer endlessly!

At any rate, taking menstrual cycles off of the "taboo" list is a great start to healing our cultural issues around periods and v health. 

Woo hoo!

Blogger Buddy Time!

11_11_2015 Blogger Buddy Time 1.png

Last week I got to do something AWESOME.

After a year or so of email correspondence, I finally got to meet Sarah, the blogger behind When Sex Hurts There Is Hope. Yay! She was in town visiting friends, so we got some lunch and walked around Lake Merritt.

Even someone as public as I am about v pain still has a hard time finding other women willing to identify themselves as being in the same boat. Given our cultural context, v pain brings up enormous baggage: boatloads of shame, fear, and lots of other yucky stuff. Better to just shove it back in the closet and ignore it, right?

So I understand cognitively why there is so much silence, and I understand on a gut level because of my own personal experience. I took me a looooooooong time to open up about this topic.

But ya know what?

Shame derives its power from being unspeakable.
- Brene Brown

So when two women get together for something as simple as a chat, they are actually being amazing revolutionaries at the same time. (How's that for multi-tasking?)

Let's face it, it took Sarah and I heckuva lot of time and effort in the personal growth department to make that little lunch possible.

I am so proud of us!!!!!!!!!!

I love Sarah's blog because she and I have the same aim: to be truthful about the real, significant, and deep challenges of v pain while still being, as her blog title notes, hopeful. But of course her site is also completely different because it's being written by a different person having different experiences. I encourage you to check it out - she has some awesome posts coming up! 

 

A Genius Thought on Self-Care!

"Treat self care as a holy practice to commune with the divine." 

Here I am sitting at the courthouse, waiting for jury duty to start and flipping through my emails. And then I saw that buried in a blog post from Leonie Dawson (a gorgeously messy and soulful woman if there ever was one). Holy cow I had to pass it on. 

It's so amazing and beautiful and awesome and I love it!

I have long known that self-care is important, but I have never thought of it is a vehicle to be with the divine. And yet - looking back over my life, it's the periods when I care for myself the best that I feel most at one with God. The crazy-making stress is worst when I am not caring for myself, and thus feeling distant from my relationship with the universe and my spirit.

Love it! Love. It.

 
 

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PS Did this post get your brain gears crankin'?

Feel free to start a conversation below (it's okay, you can be anonymous)!


Research Participants - that's YOU! - NEEDED

I was renewing my NVA membership recently and the "Urgent Appeal to Vulvodynia Patients" on the home page caught my eye.

Apparently some studies on v pain have been cancelled because researchers couldn't find enough patient volunteers. Yikes!

For so long v pain was completely ignored by the medical community, so understandably many women are frustrated by the lack of attention and quality treatment options available. But now that they ARE beginning to research it, well by golly, we'd better step up and help out!

I mentioned an online study that you can easily participate in not long ago - you can find it the post about it here or jump right to the link here.  You can find additional studies you may be qualified for through the NVA's web page on the topic

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I can't help but wonder why researchers are struggling to find subjects. Is it because suffering women don't know about these opportunities? The cultural silence and shame around this topic would definitely help to explain that, and encourages me to continue to be the change I wish to see in the world by writing this blog, among other things. 

Or is it that enough women know about the studies (again, doubtful)...but they are too shy or scared to step up? Is it because they are afraid treatments could make things worse, or the proposed treatment is somehow unappealing? Are they averse to being labeled, or coming out of the denial closet? Or do they just not prioritize v health, an understandable situation given the many pressures women face? (Note all of these reasons can be traced back to cultural shame and silence.)

If you are interested but concerned about volunteering for medical care that doesn't jive with your preferences, fret not: some studies are researching acupuncture, others looking into drugs, others are simply gathering data on the people affected. Peruse the listings, you might be surprised to see that there is something in your comfort zone. (Or ya know, in the neighborhood at least. Because nothing having to do with v pain is in anybody's comfort zone, amirite?)

It could be that there potential recruits who are willing but ineligible - for instance, studies often require that women are not pregnant or trying to get pregnant, or focus on a very specific set of symptoms or age bracket, or require that you aren't taking other medications.

Regardless of the reason, I would hate for the emerging research on v pain to fall apart because we the patients didn't supported it. Noooooooo!!!! That would suck so hard.

I strongly encourage you to consider participating in scientific research, for your health and those of others. Check it out! By participating we get to be each others' medicine. How cool is that?

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PS Did this post get your brain gears crankin'?

Feel free to start a conversation below (it's okay, you can be anonymous)!