Lube Preamble

I recently did an awesome interview all about lubes and v health with Sarah Mueller, an employee at progressive sex toy store The Smitten Kitten in Minneapolis, Minnesota. 

While I am super excited to share this interview with you, I realized that a discussion of the important role that lube can play in dealing with v pain would be a worthy preamble...

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Our bodies make our own natural lubricant as part of our sexual arousal response.* If you are enjoying sexual activity and you aren't "wet," it could mean a couple of different things. The most common is that you aren't yet fully aroused. Most women need 45 minutes of "outerplay" before their bodies will find vaginal penetration enjoyable, so even if you are having a good time, if you're not good and juicy after only fifteen or thirty minutes, that is not a sign of pathology. (And remember, humans are endlessly variable, so that 45 minute estimate may be shorter or longer for you personally and depending on that day's circumstances. If you've been feeling happy and sexy all day, you'll probably lube up faster than if you are feeling miserable and stressed.)

What if you are not lubricating sufficiently even after 45 minutes or more of outerplay? In some cases a lack of vaginal lubrication can be a sign of hormonal imbalance. It is very common for menopausal women to have difficulty lubricating, for instance. Regardless of whether the cause is menopause or some other underlying issue, hormonal medications may help. These could be topically applied low-dose estrogen creams, or oral hormonal therapy. Your gynecologist is the person to ask for advice and a prescription if needed.

If our bodies lubricate on their own, why use a personal lubricant product? Many reasons: 

(1) Lubes can be useful in non-sexy medical situations in which you may not lubricate on your own. This includes gynecological exams, and any time a medical provider needs to insert something (a speculum, ultrasound wand, dilator, etc) in your vagina. If you are working with a physical therapist to reduce your v pain symptoms, they may teach you self-massage or exercises with a dilator to do at home, both of which can be made more comfortable with lube.

(2) Lubes can be useful if you do not produce as much of your own lube as you would wish, and in some cases a little bit more can mean the difference between toe curling pleasure perfection and "this isn't doing it for me." 

(3) You can use lube on a body part that doesn't produce its own. A common example would be for anal play, but here's another one: if your partner is a man and you would like to avoid vaginal penetration (or simply would like to expand your repertoire of clitoral enjoyment), an option for outercourse is to lube up your inner thighs and have him "penetrate" the space between your v and thighs. Slide his cock up close to your v so you enjoy the clitoral stimulation. You can do this either spooning or face-to-face. This is nice because it mimics the physical, full-body closeness that some intercourse positions bring, but oral sex doesn't usually provide. Tip: your pubic hair may chafe his delicate man parts, so he may be more comfortable wearing a condom for this technique. 

(4) Lastly, you and/or your partner(s) may simply enjoy or prefer the particular sensation a lube product provides. There are many different types of lube and each one feels a little different: some are thick and gooey, others thinner and more slippery. Some people may have only one that they swear by, while others may keep a number of lubes on hand because they enjoy the variety.

So to sum up: lube can be quite helpful both in terms of your self-care (dilators and self-massage) and your sex life. It can be a useful tool for anyone, but especially so for folks with v pain.

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So now that you know why you might be interested to learn more about lube, what lubes are out there? And does it matter which one you use?

The answer to the first question is there are tons of options, from olive oil and coconut oil at the supermarket to KY at the drugstore and a whole host of brands you can find online or at at your friendly neighborhood sex toy store. 

And to answer the second question, yes, it sure as heck does matter which lube you use! Our mucous membranes (including our vulvar and vaginal tissues) are delicate, and poor hygiene habits and yes, suboptimal lubes, can disrupt your genital ecosystem and lead to such nasties as yeast infections, contact dermatitis, and BV (bacterial vaginosis.) Which means that heck yes a crummy lube - instead of supporting your healing - could actually set you back. 

Listen to the interview next week for the scoop!

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* important side note: Sometimes female rape victims do lubricate while being raped. That does not mean they consent, or that they are enjoying it, or that the act is not a rape. Lubrication in this instance is part of the body's self-protective mechanism; a lubricated vagina will suffer less damage than a dry one.

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PS Did this post get your brain gears crankin'?

Feel free to start a conversation below (it's okay, you can be anonymous)!

Happy First Birthday!

Holy cow! We did it!

I have been writing the YatraYoni blog for one whole year!!! - and then some. My first post was July 24th, 2014.

What a roller coaster.

I've done sooooo much. I went to a blogging conference, and the International Pelvic Pain Society 2014 Annual Fall Meeting. I joined a nascent network of SF Bay Area health professionals who want to provide integrative care for their pelvic pain patients. I started a MeetUp group for pelvic pain yoga classes. I got an awesome accountability buddy. I have done yoga trainings on holistic ayurvedic post-partum care, restorative yoga, yoga and trauma, and in a couple of days I am doing a five day training on yoga and the pelvic floor with Leslie Howard. I won a scholarship to Marie Forleo's B-School. I applied for a sex educator training that will take place next spring. Frustrated with the lack of clear and understandable language to describe what I write about, I even coined new phrases: the straightforward term "v pain" and it's sister "v health." 

Along the way I have met and "met" via phone so many awesome women: Sarah Kennedy (sexuality coach serving women with pelvic pain and low libido,) Professor Devavani Chatterjea (researches the link between immunology and vulvodynia,) Melissa Jones (Mormon sexologist, sex coach, and progressive sex toy store owner,) Tianna Meritage-Reiter (pelvic PT and yoga teacher,) and Sarah Mueller (lube maven and progressive sex toy store employee - look for her interview in the coming weeks!) I have also found other awesome v pain bloggers, like Danielle Lavieri at daniellelavieri.com, Sarah4Hope at whensexhurtsthereishope.com, and Jackie at thatsexualhealing.wordpress.com.

The past year has been a learning tornado. In the process of looking for things to help other women, I have found so many things to help myself: practices like Womb Yoga with Uma Dinsmore-Tuli and The Art of Feminine Presence, products like Commandos, Dear Kate's, & Thinx, and newly on my horizons is hormonal education via Alissa Vitti's WomanCode and floliving.com.

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I remember how I felt about all of this last May and June. The nugget of an idea for a website was there, but I was reluctant to pursue it. In the months between the ten year anniversary of the start of my symptoms and the ten year anniversary of my diagnosis, I wanted so much for other women to not go what I have gone through, and yet was still deeply hesitant and scared about opening up and coming out of the v pain closet, held in by the fear of being perceived by others as "broken" or "less than."

But I ripped off the Band-Aid and did it anyway. And again, and again, and again. It is still not easy telling people about this website, but I do, and am reminded over and over why it is needed: people I just met are telling me "What's the name of that site again? My mom is having problems down there," or "I didn't know you knew about that - my younger sister is dealing with painful sex and is really having a hard time," or "I am dealing with this but live in Virginia - can you help me?" 

So I hand out my contact info and business cards and scribble down notes - books someone should read, the name of a doctor or PT in their area, whatever I think will help guide them along their journey. Usually I never hear back about whether someone found help, but I keep passing on information, knowing that just because there is silence doesn't mean nothing is happening.

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I am so grateful to all of you who read and subscribe to this blog. You have been the kick in the pants that keeps me going, and knowing that I have to get my post done has propelled me along this learning journey at a speed much faster than I thought possible.

You will notice in the coming weeks changes on this site. All of this learning has made me realize that it is time to say goodbye to the name "YatraYoni" - beautiful though she may be, she is confusing to people, making v health seem difficult and strange rather than accessible and approachable. I love her and will hold her dear - I'm sure she will pop up elsewhere in my work in the future.

A new domain name means a new Facebook page, etc. I am cleaning up house, ditching things that haven't been so helpful over the past year, punching away at the things that are working, and putting plans in motion for new projects.

It has been lovely to take this time to reflect on how far I have come. There have been so many times over the past year that I have wanted to give up, throw in the towel, get a new hobby! Celebrating the positive and the progress is giving me fuel for the next year.

Thank you for your presence and your bravery.

Much love,

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PS Did this post get your brain gears crankin'?

Feel free to start a conversation below (it's okay, you can be anonymous)!

From “Hot Mess" to Sacred Messenger

Although in our culture we perceive illness as an event happening to an individual, it is no secret that illnesses are indicative not only of an individual but a community out of balance.

For instance, we blame individuals for being overweight, chalking it up to a lack of willpower, even though we know that the culture around the production and eating of food in this country does not support human (or environmental) health. Easier to blame the individual for their lack of vitality, though, rather than take on the web of political, industrial, financial, and cultural forces that create the environment in which eating well takes an awful lot of swimming upstream.

And so it is with v health.

I am sitting here today having recently experienced another bout of v pain, and currently experiencing miserable menstrual cramps, among other things. 

It has not escaped my notice that as a child I wanted so much to be a boy - the status of girls and women as second-class citizens was obvious to me at a very young age - and then grew up to experience a rather full gamut of health problems directly affecting my female parts (menstrual pain, v pain, etc) as well as illnesses that in our society affect women at higher rates (depression, anorexia, and chronic pain of all kinds.)

There is an awareness, however nascent, that to take on the nation's diabetes and obesity problems we will need to change our food and exercise culture; Michelle Obama and the White House vegetable garden being a well-known example. 

But where is the awareness that the epidemic of health problems affecting female parts and female bodies also indicate a disturbing imbalance that needs to be addressed as a group? Breast cancer, PCOS, dysmenorrhea, fertility challenges, v pain, painful sex, endometriosis, post-partum incontinence, eating disorders, anxiety, burnout, depression...our female bodies are suffering so intensely and yet there is no movement or consciousness that these are anything but individual problems.

(Hell, in some cases there isn't even an idea that these symptoms are actually problems - post-partum incontinence and menstrual cramps are often assumed to be "just part of being a woman." Bulls**t. They may be common, but they aren't normal or healthy.)

My health problems are mine and I am the one in charge of addressing them, but they are also potent signs of cultural disease. I do not think that I would have half the health problems I have suffered from had I been born on a planet that values women, girls, and the feminine in all of us. At the very least, had these health problems still manifested, I would have had a hell of a lot more support in overcoming them. In a world in which the female is valued, it is researched and nourished and cared for, not hidden away under layers of fear and shame.

I write this in solidarity with others who suffer as I do, and to remind my sisters that your v pain or menstrual pain or PCOS or fertility challenges or whatever isn't just YOUR problem, it's OUR problem. Our bodies are reflecting back to us the illness of our cultures and societies, a set of values improperly prioritized.

Is it fair that you get the brunt of this suffering? No. 

I would not wish this suffering upon anyone, least of all myself. And yet I acknowledge that I have power in this situation too, a role to play in the larger ecosystem. I can sit back and suffer silently and nothing will change, for me or anyone else, OR I can recognize my role as cultural barometer and make my story public, so that my people and community can see what is happening and be given the opportunity to make change.

When studying ecology, amphibians are viewed as being excellent indicators of the health of their ecosystems. Why? They are sensitive. Watch them and they will alert you to all kinds of problems before said problems are big enough to harm others. The amphibians' vulnerability serves to protect.

Yes, vulnerability is a source of strength and power.

Toughen up the toads and you lose that early warning.

I think we ought to hold a special place in our society for amphibians, literal and metaphorical. Take care of them and you take care of everyone. Protect them and you protect everyone. Neglect them at your peril, as then all will suffer.

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For so many years I have wrestled with the frustration of being chronically ill. Considering my experience from an individual standpoint, I battled the feelings of "less than" over and over again.

But when I step back and see the whole ecosystem, I realize that I am not "less than" at all. Holy crap, not in the slightest. My job is to embrace, care for, and cherish my sensitive, sweet, female body, and alert the rest of the tribe to the damage they are doing. 

Ultimately, whether they heed my warnings or not is their choice; my job is to run my own life, not everyone else's. But my personal transformation from victim to messenger is healing in and of itself. 

Re-casting my role from "hot mess" to sacred messenger has been liberating. It gives me a much stronger platform upon which to stand. It is a lot easier to push this work forward when I view my experience as a strength rather than a liability, and see sharing it as a service to my people.

So the next time you are sitting in your pity puddle, feeling sorry for yourself and (righteously) angry at the world, ask - is this really only about you? Or are you in Toad Mode, reflecting back society's ills?

Even if you are not ready to shout your v pain story from the rooftops, acknowledging your place in a wider context can help you not take your v pain so personally. It can help to derail the "I am broken" thought train. And derailing the "I am broken" thought train is half the battle.

So try on your new toad skin and see how it fits. Hop on in, the water's fine...

Ribbit.

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PS Did this post get your brain gears crankin'?

Feel free to start a conversation below (it's okay, you can be anonymous)!

Interview with Melissa Jones: Part 3

Looking for the first two parts of the interview? You can find Part 1 (Introduction) here, and Part 2 (focused more on couples) here.

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Of course, not all women suffering from v pain are in relationships, and Jones works with them too. Being single doesn't mean you aren't a sexual being, or that you can't work on improving your sex life. 

The work Jones does with singles is not greatly different from the work she does with couples. She may support her client in finding appropriate medical help such as a physical therapist, and learning how to use dilators to teach the body how to get used to penetration. Jones also works with women on finding their sexual confidence and learning what turns them on. This may involve educating her client about what the great wide world of sex has to offer, and teaching the client tools so she can explore and learn about herself: her needs, desires, and values.

Should her client decide to seek out a relationship, they can then work on learning how to communicate her new-found sexual knowledge and preferences to a partner.

While listening to Jones, it struck me that while in our culture we often assume someone's sexuality is dormant when they are single, being single is actually a great time to explore one's interests and desires. In a couple, you constantly have to deal with your partner, and it can be challenging to sort out what is them and what is you. But single? There is no partner to muddy the waters. You get clarity about you.

Should you then decide to go back on the dating market after your period of sexy self-exploration and clarification, you can enter with confidence and ease, rather than from a place of sexual starvation and neediness. How cool is that?

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The common thread between women and men, v pain clients and pain-free clients, couples and singles, is the need for communication: honest communication with yourself, and with your partner should you have one.

Due to this need for foundational communication skills, Jones believes in starting early. Teaching kids about sex is "not a one-time conversation," she says. She has taught her own kids that sex is supposed to be great, and that it needs to be done for yourself and to be in alignment with your own desires and values, not to please someone else. As a parent, she and her husband believe in setting a good example, by taking time to be together just the two of them.

These communication skills need to be emphasized as children grow beyond childhood: Jones encourages teaching high school and college students the practical tools they need to have a rewarding and healthy sex life as well, and of course the need for education continues into adulthood. 

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You can probably tell that I had a great time talking with Melissa Jones! She has what I call "sexual integrity": a broad knowledge of what the world of sex has to offer, and strong values that serve as a compass, so she can navigate what's on offer and partake of only what will truly and deeply nourish her mind, body, and soul. She clearly loves helping other women navigate their own journeys.

If you'd like to learn more about or work with Melissa Jones, hop on over to the Sexology Institute and Boutique website. In addition to holding a wide variety of fun, informative, and juicy classes and workshops, they have a storefront that sells high quality sex toys. Don't live in San Antonio? No problem! Jones works with individuals and couples on Skype.

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PS Did this post get your brain gears crankin'?

Feel free to start a conversation below (it's okay, you can be anonymous)!

Melissa Jones: Interview Part 2

If you missed the introduction to Melissa Jones of the Sexology Institute and Boutique, you can find it here.

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About thirty percent of Jones' clients experience painful sex. All women? I asked. Single? Couples?

Usually clients experiencing painful sex are women, but occasionally men with a history of prostate or testicular problems might have pain issues as well. About half of the women experiencing painful sex she sees come alone - either because they are single, or because they want support alone, without their partners with them.

The causes are varied; some women have vulvodynia or another gynecological diagnosis and are experiencing pain throughout the day, others only experience pain with sex. Pain only with sex may be due to a particular health issue, or it could be a simple lack of arousal and lubrication; it is common for menopausal women to experience pain because hormonal changes have made it harder for them to lubricate properly. Some women have mild pain, but Jones has also had clients with severe, debilitating pain.

"I think more people have painful sex than we realize," says Jones. "It's just that we don't talk about it."

Jones has a variety of health professionals in her network to refer these clients to, to make sure that they get appropriate medical treatment. But doctors can't help with building or re-building a fulfilling sex life, and that where Jones steps in.

In a case where the woman is partnered, she said that it is common for her partner to feel incredibly frustrated and powerless to help the woman they love. With one partner in pain and the other feeling powerless and disappointed, there can be a host of communication issues. The woman in pain may start to shrug away from hugs, for instance, fearing that any touch will lead to painful intercourse. 

The first step Jones may take with such clients is to take intercourse off the table so the couple can reclaim their trust and intimacy. Without fear of pain, they can snuggle naked while watching a movie, and go back to hugging, kissing, and hand-holding. This builds to further exploration - how can we enjoy each other without pain? They can proceed to learn all sorts of ways to pleasure each other that don't involve creating pain. This way they can maintain pleasure and intimacy through what can be a stressful medical process and beyond.

Interestingly enough, the work Jones does with couples who do not have pain with sex is similar.

"There's a difference between having sex and making love," she says. Sex lives tend to wane under the pressures of modern-day life, and are reduced to brief mechanical interactions. The cure here, as with v pain, is to re-establish connection and pleasure. An important part of this is setting aside time, turning off phones and laptops, locking the door, and giving partners the gift of 100% of their lover's attention.

Jones observes that women with and without v pain again face a similar challenge with sex: they often tolerate something they don't enjoy in order to make their partner happy, or to avoid being or being perceived as critical. While women supposedly do this for the benefit of their partners, Jones notes that in the long term it does neither partner any good. Men can tell when women fake pleasure, and over time the gnawing sense that they are not "doing it right" eats away at their own self esteem and sexual confidence.

The solution is for people to learn how to communicate honestly from the get-go. Yes, that means learning how to deal with the discomfort of speaking up for yourself despite (and because of) your vulnerability.

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I have seen so many women within the v pain community get the idea in their head that they are broken and unloveable, especially our sisters who have undergone a divorce or break up in part due to v pain. I found it very heartening to hear from Jones that while her v pain clients may have additional medical things to deal with, in her office they learn the same skills everybody else does: how to slow down, communicate, and connect.

V pain or no, many couples struggle to create and maintain a fulfilling and healthy sex life.

That makes a lot of sense given how little quality information we have available about sexuality, no?

The takeaway? If you think that you are broken and unloveable due to v pain, or have been dumped due to v pain, try this on for size: "I live in a society with limited access to high quality sex ed. Our relationship fell apart not because I have v pain but because we couldn't find good communication tools and excellent sex ed fast enough." or "I'm struggling not because of my v pain, but because I live in a society where sex ed and communication tools are not widely available, and I still need to find and learn about them."

In short: Ladies with v pain, you can totally pleasure a partner and be pleasured in return! Your lack of skill in this department has very little to do with you as an individual and a lot to do with the society you grew up in. 

Time to shake off those shame-shackles and get yourself the knowledge you need to thrive!

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"But wait! Not all women suffering from v pain are in relationships!" you say. I hear ya. We'll talk about how Jones works with single women in the next post. See you then!

PS Wanna talk? Feel free to start a conversation in the comments below!