Wanting

I've been reflecting on the act of wanting and the role it plays in my life.

Growing up, wanting was "bad." Wanting was covetousness or greed. Even if you wanted to do something good for the world, that was the deadly sin of pride. No matter where you stuck your foot out, wanting was trouble.

But it's really hard to get through life without wanting.

If you are going to be a productive member of society, you are going to want things. Some of those things are small and mundane, like paying the bills or remembering to buy milk. Some of them feel big and important: wanting to be professionally successful, or to find a partner, or to have children. 

Love, art, healing, connection, wisdom: so many good things come from wanting.

Even though I left the church where I learned that desire was bad over fifteen years ago, I still find the lessons ingrained in my mind. It's a reflex for me to reach out and then just as quickly pull back, before anyone has a chance to reprimand me.

I have come to notice what a contorted life that leads me to live! It's very hard to go after a goal if you don't allow yourself to want it. I find myself walking sideways and bending into all kinds of weird shapes as I try to get what I want - without wanting it. Tricky. (Not surprisingly, this method is often unsuccessful.)

One side effect is that everything has a back up plan. Instead of applying my immense creativity into getting what I want, I pour it into coming up with alternatives and trying to convince myself that those would be fine, too. Sure, deep in my heart of hearts I desperately want X but of course Y or Z would be fine! Just fine!

It's the curse of the good girl. Ugh.

So lately I have been playing around with actively wanting. What does that feel like? What does it taste like, to unabashedly want? To celebrate and honor my desires? (Yikes, just writing that I can feel the disapproval wafting from my childhood.) 

I have been told that wanting is courageous because it is a place of deep vulnerability, and I can see that.

But I am surprised to find that when I want, I feel grounded. I feel whole. I'm not lying about who I am or what my values are, or trying not to take up space, or trying to make someone else happy.

There is a flavor of wanting - proudly wanting something that is in line with your values and soul purpose - that has so much delicious integrity to it.

Really???!!! Really. (Why didn't anyone tell me that?)

When I fully want something, the gates open. My energy is cohesive and directed. I'm not scattered, trying to be a non-being.

This is a new world for me, for sure. 

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It is fascinating how desire can be so blatantly written off as "bad" when it's the impetus for all that is good in the world too. As far as I know English doesn't even have a way of differentiating between desires that bring us closer to the divine and those that bring us farther away. Sure, we all have desires that are worth overriding (like cutting someone off in traffic or generally being a jerk) but desire also brings us untold acts of love and kindness and beauty, fueled by our desire to connect with the infinite, ourselves and others.

Those are two very different things. Shouldn't there be two very different words to articulate them?

And isn't it also fascinating that desire and sexuality and creativity are all so intertwined, and that female desire is, in so many forms, taboo? (Are people scared of how much badness we would bring to the world if we connected to our desire, or are they scared of the potential tsunami of goodness?)

Of course, this being written by me, it all comes back to my body. How fascinating that my female organs - my organs most associated with fertility, creativity, pleasure, and yes, desire -have struggled with so much dysfunction and pain in this lifetime.

To Western medicine, my v pain is a chronic pain "disorder." Chronic pain doesn't make sense within that worldview. But sometimes when I step back and look at what I and so many other women go through on a daily basis, I'm like geez, no wonder my vagina spent so many years yelling at me to change.

I don't want to be in pain or wish it on others, and I am grateful that I have come so far in healing, but boy, don't tell my body that she didn't have a reason to send out distress signals. 'Cuz by golly she did!

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Not Needing

I've been thinking a lot about what I don't need.

Mostly physically (my husband and I donated a trunk load of items over the weekend, and that is just the beginning), but also mentally and emotionally.

Our brains are constantly running a list of things we need. They may be tangible, like something we need to do (exercise, pay the bills,) or items we need to buy. They may also be intangible, like habits or mindsets we wish to acquire (more self-confidence, being at peace with a particular challenge.) Many needs are actually things we want masquerading as a "need," further muddying the waters. 

Whether it's a tangible or an intangible project, rarely do we think of what we don't need to make it happen.

Rarely do we ask, "How can I solve this problem with what I have right now, and nothing more?" Even more rarely do we wonder, "Do I already have more than what I need to solve this problem?" or "Would having less help me solve this problem, either directly or by creating the space I need to figure it out?"

Space...ah...so rarely do our brains get periods of emptiness...

This is in part a disease of our times, an era of raging consumerism and information overload.

Individually, the endless distractions can seem harmless, and individually, they may be. But as a whole, endless distractions insidiously use up our precious resources. 

What is it that you don't need these days? 

What is taking your time and attention, even though it's not a priority? 

Do you think you are productive because you are busy? Is all that busy-ness actually in service of the values of your higher self? Or are you just busy for the sake of being busy, because that's what you think you are supposed to be, and in reality you are freaking going nowhere?

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Autumn is a great time to look at this stuff. The natural world is dying back in preparation for winter, and we humans echo it with festivities like Halloween, Day of the Dead, Samhain, All Saint's, and All Soul's Days.

I have been enjoying this shift to shorter days and the approach of Halloween. It is bringing out the Grim Reaper in me. What needs to go? What do I not need?

This is not the first time I have done a big "weeding" of my life, but in previous ones I focused on the obvious threats and problems. Now I am going after all of the little things too. I am realizing that I don't want to keep stuff around that is innocuous or neutral or harmless, because by golly I only have room for things that are actively contributing to my wellbeing.

As such, this particular weeding looks like it will take longer than the others. I expect that this project is going to percolate through the coming weeks and months. I'm not quite sure where it's going really, (the sign of a true, adventure, no?) but I feel relieved and excited to be on the path.

I'll keep you posted.

In the meanwhile, I hope you are well and enjoying the autumn...

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Messy

Messy.

Life can be very, very messy.

It's been a really rough year (oy) and this fall I am stepping back to reflect. Many pieces of my life are being tossed up in the air - who knows where they will land. What am I about and what the heck am I doing? Am I who I really think I am? Are these priorities really my priorities?  I am feeling lost and frustrated and fed up.

But at least I'm not fighting it anymore. I'm surrendering to the craziness.

While I am still happily teaching my Yoga for V Pain classes, amidst this nuttiness I have given myself permission to pull back from my other v pain ventures. (For instance, you may have noticed that the text for this blog no longer appears in your email, instead there is just a link. That is not intentional! I have been banging my head against a wall since August trying to fix it - but instead of pressuring myself to get it right, right now, I only bang my head for a limited time each week, and then step away and accept the imperfection of technological glitches. Until the next week, when I try again.)

I am sifting through my commitments and pulling back and saying no to some things, and stepping up in other areas.

Gardeners and farmers know that s**t makes the best fertilizer. I am trying to remember that. Some of the worst times in my life ultimately put me on a better path, so hopefully that will happen here too!

So much of my dissatisfaction in life comes from resistance to what is happening (and often, the pace at which it is or is not happening.) There always seems to be some insidious bar against which I am measuring myself and my life, a bar that will constantly morph so that the results of my measurements are always the same: "not enough."

I mean really.

(I am rolling my eyes at it now.)

Stepping back, it is silly that I fall for that stupidity so frequently! And yet I do. So here I am, pulling back. Looking at the stupid bar and wondering if it belongs in trash or recycling.

I hope wherever you are this week - mentally, emotionally, physically, spiritually - you are being gentle with yourself. Happy Fall!

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Yay, Yoga for V Pain classes started!

Victory dance!

I am so excited that my first "Yoga for V Pain" 5 class series started last Friday. Woo hoo! The series goes through November.

I am glad to be contributing to the yogic body of knowledge on v pain for a number of reasons. First, western medicine and gynecology are so behind the curve on this topic. 

Second, so is yoga.

Even though yoga in America today is often considered to be a women's activity, and indeed class attendance is dominated by female practitioners, historically yoga was a set of spiritual and religious practices by and for men - women were often intentionally excluded, their presence seen as harmful to men's focus. It's only been in the last twenty years or so that yoga has become popularized in the West, and in the West it has gained it's feminine connotations.

While women dominate the student body in the West, like so many other industries men dominate in leadership positions and are behind the big money in yoga - the founder of Lululemon, for instance, or the owners of various yoga chains (Bikram, CorePower.)

What does that mean for yoginis? ("Yoginis" are female practitioners, "yogis" are male.) The yoga we are teaching and practicing is still oriented towards male bodies, in ways large and small.

Sometimes I feel like a fish trying to see the water - the culture I grew up in is so male-dominated, and the yoga I have been taught is so male-dominated, and the medical system is so male-dominated, that I find myself struggling to imagine what a culture or yoga practice or medical care built to honor and nourish the female experience would look or feel like.

I persist in my inquiry anyway, with many questions and not many answers.

That said, I wonder if there will be a silver lining to the ignorance of v pain issues in Western medicine. Alternative and complementary modes of care are on the rise, and I hope v pain protocols of the future will benefit from the synergy between different schools of thought.

Yes, it is frustrating that my health care has been so poor, and the planet so ignorant about female bodies. But I am also excited to be part of the solution, and to be providing women helpful tools so they can be part of the solution too: in their own lives, yes, but also hopefully in the lives of others as well.

So here we go! Off on an adventure...

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Photography: At Rest

For some background on restorative yoga, read this post.

In order to get my Relax and Renew© restorative yoga teacher certification, I had to complete a project which involved teaching private classes and then submitting a report that included a write up of our sessions, student feedback after a week of independent home practice, and photographs of the students in their poses.

I found photographing people at rest to be a deeply sweet and profound experience.

How often do we look closely and lovingly at people doing nothing?

Never, right?

As I took snapshots on my phone, I would notice details on the screen that eluded me in real life. Oh wait, they still have some tension in their jaw...with my new insight I would go back and adjust a prop, witness the muscle let go, and photograph again. In that way, my phone screen became a learning tool for me.

But taking the photographs was more than helpful instant feedback. It gave me another way to interact with the sacredness of quiet.

Photographing someone at rest is totally different than photographing them active. No saying "cheese," no giggles, no rushing to get the shot before the opportunity passes. I had time to be slow. I set my phone on silent so they wouldn't hear the sound of a clicking shutter and be self-conscious. 

There is an art to being around people at rest, a way of maintaining your personal energy so as to be a reliable presence but not overbearing.  I have spent a lot of time in this space while teaching savasana over the years, but as I hold that space I often close my eyes, or leave them half-closed. That experience is more about sensing than seeing. With this project, I was in a similar quiet space but now had a camera in my hand: it required me to look at the student in ways I hadn't previously.

As they rested, I would notice the light on their face, the gentleness of the curves and angles of their body. Muscles soft, eyes closed...we may watch babies sleep, but I am acutely aware that seeing an adult surrender to rest is a rare experience in our world.

More than once I got teary as I saw how beautiful this person was in front of me: so complete, so whole.

I saw them for a few minutes as I imagine God does, and in that seeing saw myself that way too.

I felt so much love, sitting there in the quiet with them.

After our session, I would email the students photos and notes so they could practice on their own. I realized that I was sending them something even more rare than rest - an image of it. A portrait testifying to their inherent worth and dignity, a worth that no uncompleted To Do list can ever take away.

I am by no means a skilled photographer, but since we are such visual creatures this experience made me want to share some of these photos. Images have impact. How would our lives change if we were inundated with photos of beautiful resting people everywhere we looked?

For instance, what if rest took over social media for a day? Facebook, Instagram, Pinterest, and their brethren are filled with images of activity: "Look at what I'm doing. My life is awesome!" Psychologists have noticed that high rates of social media consumption leads to lower self-esteem and the related anxiety has its own acronym, "FOMO" - "fear of missing out." During my imaginary day in which rest takes over social media, I imagine everyone coming off of Facebook a little less anxious and a little more calm.

So while these were not art house quality photos to begin with and haven't improved much with my amateur editing (everything is classier in black and white, right?), I share them with you anyway. You know those gorgeous artsy yoga photos out there, all striking skinny beauty and bendy limbs? I now have a craving for equally beautiful shots of restorative yoga. (I'll add that to my To Do list.)

In the meanwhile, I will rest, and invite you to join me...

Many thanks to my students for giving me permission to use their images. Please respect them and me but not re-posting them. Thanks!

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PS Did this post get your brain gears crankin'?

Feel free to start a conversation below (it's okay, you can be anonymous)!