Prepping for the Holidays

It's November, yo. Thanksgiving is but two weeks away, kicking off a month and a half long parade of winter festivities.

Do you have a plan?

I ask you this because in my humble experience poorly managed holidays can be really stressful. Amidst the whirl of activities, shopping, gift-giving, decorating, and cooking, there is the underlying cloud of expectations.

Rarely are these expectations clearly defined or articulated, but there they are, lurking in our subconscious and those of everyone around us.

Not only may you not be aware of your own hopes, but also the hopes of everyone else around you. Your boss and co-workers; your family; your friends; your community. They are pulling on you, asking for attention, and we feel compelled to respond to them even when we don't even know what they really are.

Despite (or because of?) their vague-ness, when these subconscious expectations are not met, they can lead to all sorts of tension, disappointment, and hurt feelings.

By bringing my own expectations and desires to light, and looking ahead at everything I expect of myself and what others will expect of me, I am able to sort through the mess, make adjustments, and plan for a wonderful season.

* * *

I have dealt with the holiday bluster in many ways over the years, in often a less than graceful manner. It's been tricky for me since I have chosen the option to (until recently) keep my pain disorder private; people haven't understood why I am not thrilled at the prospect of cutting down a Christmas tree or decorating cookies all afternoon. This has made things pretty dicey, and I have walked on my share of of eggshells. In the process I have repeatedly disappointed those around me.

My family likes to do Christmas to the power of ten, and my lack of enthusiasm was alternately viewed as bad behavior, not being a team player, poor attitude, and, most threatening of all, a sign that I didn't love them. 

Rising above this tangle and creating an enjoyable holiday season for me has required

• taking care of myself first
• articulating to myself what I do and do not like about the holidays
• maintaining strong boundaries.

Selfish? Oh no. It's not selfish to change my own behaviors with the goal of better participating in the group. On the contrary; it would be selfish of me to attempt to change everyone else so that they met my expectations. 

After all, my friends and family prefer to spend time with me when I am happy and grounded. Who wants to celebrate the holidays with the bat-shit crazy version of a loved one? By doing myself a favor I do everyone a favor.

(Bonus: my behavior shows those who routinely take on too much stress during the holidays that there are other options.)

* * *

It's been a rough ride and I have ruffled a lot of feathers, but things have smoothed out. By knowing what my expectations and boundaries are, I keep my head above the roiling emotional waters swirling around me.

Over time, my family has slowly come to accept that I appreciate keeping things light and simple, and I have seen people relax their own high standards in response. 

We are more comfortable with having people celebrate in different ways (me not decorating cookies does not preclude someone else from doing the same) while maintaining the most important tradition: loving each other.

All the work of sticking to my guns has been worth it. By focusing on what brings me the most joy, and minimizing or avoiding the stuff I find draining, I make it though December without turning into a Grinch or a cynical burnt-out shell. When the New Year comes along I am happy to greet it.

And that makes for the Happiest Holidays of all.

Charlie Brown Blues

I know I already posted this cartoon on Facebook, but I love it. I've been headache-y and feeling crummy this week, so a lot of curling up on the couch, which doesn't help.

This connection between posture and attitude is probably why I have found a daily yoga practice to be so supportive in managing my moods, anxieties, and fears around living with chronic pain.

If you prefer to obtain lifestyle recommendations from scientific resources rather than cartoons, you may want to check out this great Ted Talk with Amy Cuddy:

Body language affects how others see us, but it may also change how we see ourselves. Social psychologist Amy Cuddy shows how "power posing" -- standing in a posture of confidence, even when we don't feel confident -- can affect testosterone and cortisol levels in the brain, and might even have an impact on our chances for success.

Stand tall, gorgeous!

Denial Gratitude vs Genuine Gratitude

During my yatrayoni I have come across a line of thinking in which people are grateful to their illness because it supposedly changed their lives for the better. While I appreciate that they could see that good came with the bad, the concept never sat right with me, and I didn't figure out why until recently. 

This approach does not give credit where the credit is due:

to the individual, not the illness.

This "denial gratitude" denies that a challenge was put forth to the individual, denies the role of the individual in overcoming that challenge, and denies the grief and loss that are inherently part of the process.

I am absolutely NOT grateful to my vulvodynia. Nope, nope, nopity-nope. Wouldn't wish these things on anyone, and certainly not on myself.

But I am endlessly grateful for my response to my illness.

By being brave and persistent and compassionate and curious I have turned this challenge into a great learning experience. I used it as an excuse to cut the bullshit out of my life, and make choices that brought me closer and closer to happiness and meaning.

The illness didn't rescue me, I rescued myself.

Owning my power is a refreshingly strong place to be. By giving the credit to myself I do not fall into the trap of erroneously attributing good to evil, or believing that I am dependent on outside forces to fix my life. 

The fact of the matter is that pelvic pain SUCKS.

Good can come from it, but only if I make the decision that it will.

Tips for Family Visits

Ten Practical Tips

To Help You Get Through (and possibly even enjoy) Family Visits

1. Know your boundaries. What are you willing for family to know and not know about your health status?
2. Know the terrain. What is you family personality? How can you guide conversations so that you remain in your comfort zone?
3. Know the escape routes. What excuses work for you to head off and take a nap, ice, or do your PT exercises?
4. Identify your challenges. What is tough about family time? 
5. Proactively address your challenges. Have some tools to deal with each of those stressors. 
6. Avoid the Tar Pits. What irritating or painful thing sucks you in every time you see your family? Can you avoid it? If not, how can you experience it without becoming emotionally engaged?
7. Pick your battles. To keep your stress levels down, consider avoiding political arguments with Uncle Fred.
8. Find allies. If there are no allies to be had in your family, have a friend you can call during the visit for love and support.
9. Prioritize yourself. Get enough sleep. Eat well. Exercise. Journal. Watch funny TV shows. Do what you gotta do to keep your mood up.
10. Find fun! In some families this is easier said than done, but if you come from an average rather than severely dysfunctional family, appreciate the golden moments. Holding your sweet baby nephew, playing scrabble, going on a hike, your Dad's corny jokes. Look for the beauty in your crazy tangle of loved ones.

Happy travels!

The Crazy Zone, Part 3

The third tool I have been using during this busy time is walking at a reasonable pace and waiting for stoplights.

Yup.

I am usually one to scurry across the street as soon as traffic is clear, or I race to cross while the light is yellow. I see the seconds counting down and must get to the other side! This habit keeps me in a a "Go, go go!" mode, spinning the hamster wheel faster and faster.

I've been a scurry-er my whole life. Only in the last month have I allowed. Myself. To. Wait.

Shock of all shocks, the wait is not long. The light inevitably changes, and off I go, calmer and more centered. It doesn't take much longer, and I arrive at my destination feeling so much better than if I had rushed.

The same technique can be used while driving or biking (I live in an area where a lot of people use bikes for transportation.)

Simple? Yes indeed. It doesn't take much for us to calm our nervous systems and reduce the seemingly constant stress in our lives, allowing our bodies more space to heal.

I would love to hear any simple tools you use to deal with The Crazy Zone. What keeps you calm amidst chaos?