“Are you pain-free now? "

"Are you pain-free now?"

I recently got this question from a reader, who pointed out that it wasn't clear from my blog. Good question, I thought. I should clarify that!

Why the hesitation, you may wonder? Isn't that a simple yes or no answer?

Well, kinda. The simple answer is "Yes" but I have so much hesitation about declaring it. This question made me realize that I fear saying "Yes, I'm pain-free," because if I then ever had a flare-up, people would think I was dishonest or fraudulent.

On the other hand, if I boldly state my success and do remain healthy, then people may develop some ridiculously high expectation of me. I fear saying "I'm pain-free" is the equivalent of saying "I'm perfect for forever and ever and shall never have a health problem again because I've figured it all out!" - and well, I am human. While I acknowledge that I put a ton of work into my recovery and it paid off, life is still a huge mystery, and there is so much I don't understand about how human bodies work.

So, let me explain the gray area between "yes" and "no."

One of the things I have learned from chronic health issues is that they ebb and flow - like, oh, EVERYTHING in life. There is HUGE, ginormous misunderstanding about this in our society, which leads to unneccessary stigma - that we are somehow in one bin (healthy) or the other (unhealthy). People in the "healthy" bin supposedly live happy, productive lives, while those in the "unhealthy" bin wither in obscurity (or something like that.)

But life is not like that. Some people seem "healthy" on the surface but are struggling to manage anxiety, depression, digestive problems, or whatever behind the scenes. Many people with long-term health challenges lead joyful, productive lives both personally and professionally. Also, even robust physically "healthy" folk are still human and face other challenges. We all have ups and downs of some kind or another. We all have strengths and weaknesses, blind spots, and beautiful gifts to share.

So, if you want more detail, and for me to answer the question already, here is my story, using the commonly understood pain experience of migraines/headaches as an analogy for v pain:

From 2004 - 2007 I had 365 migraines a year. It was hard to function or be happy then, although I still dragged myself to school and then work and back home again.

After three years I finally found some help. The migraines went away for a few months, but then I experienced some very stressful life events, and they came back. I then managed to find some other, new help, and learned and grew and changed, and my daily migraines dissipated. They became just plain old headaches, and then only intermittent headaches.

Now I have headaches a few times a year. They are usually pretty mild, the kind I don't even need Tylenol for, but on the rare occasion they warrant a Tylenol, I'll take it.

I think going from 365 debilitating migraines per year to the occasional mild headache is pretty impressive on the healing-from-chronic-pain scale! It is a fan-frickin'-tastic, raging success story.

As far as translating that analogy back to the v pain experience, in my "migraine" days I was in constant pain that would be exacerbated by even a slight touch, like wearing properly-sized underwear. All of my pants were two sizes too big, and I sought out jobs that allowed me to stand, as sitting was excruciating. Intercourse was a no-go (although I still had consistent pleasurable sex thanks to my clitoris. Oh how I love her!)

Now, with only the occasional headache, I live a normal life, with pants that fit - even tight jeans. I never worry about "How long will this activity require me to sit?" and enjoy intercourse and sex in general with such enthusiasm that my husband worries the neighbors will hear. 

Functionally, I am a totally different person. 

Another huge shift in my experience is that I no longer see pain as the enemy. It only crops up when my body is like, "Hey lady, I need a little adjustment here." It's my body's way of telling me that I need to change something, often in my relationships with myself or the outside world. I think the reason I so rarely need "Tylenol" these days (aka topical estrogen or some other kind of intervention) is because I have become so good at reading the messages of my body and responding in a loving way.

For instance, I get actual headaches when I am dehydrated, overdoing it, sleep-deprived, or stressed out. I get shoulder tension, forearm tension, and wrist pain when I am too long at the computer. Yes, these cues are annoying, but on the other hand if I take care of myself  - stay hydrated, get sleep, take breaks from the computer - the physical cues to "adjust please" don't happen because there's no need for them. That's pretty reasonable, right?

It's the same with v pain. I feel little warning twinges when my boundaries are being disrespected or I feel really angry but am trying to hold it in. Since I know this about myself, the slightest hint of pelvic floor discomfort helps me stop, take a moment to figure where I am being violated, and then adjust course. Presto, pain averted.

Am I guaranteed to be pain-free every moment of every day, for forever and ever? No. Have I become the absolute master of my body and can fix everything about it exactly the way I want, every time? No. Have I achieved some mythical state of perfection, and no longer need to keep growing and learning? No. Am I still a work in progress? Yes. 

Am I pain-free enough to live the life I want? Yes. 

* * *

I share this level of detail with you all because when I first started having pain, I couldn't find a single role model! I wanted to hear a hopeful story, but there were none to be found.

So now you have it. I have become the (flawed, totally human) role model I wanted, ta da! Even if your pain is debilitating and you are having 365 "migraines" a year,

getting better is possible.

I'm proof.

I'm here. I'm real. I climbed this mountain and you can too.

HUGS!

~ Faith ~

Wanting

I've been reflecting on the act of wanting and the role it plays in my life.

Growing up, wanting was "bad." Wanting was covetousness or greed. Even if you wanted to do something good for the world, that was the deadly sin of pride. No matter where you stuck your foot out, wanting was trouble.

But it's really hard to get through life without wanting.

If you are going to be a productive member of society, you are going to want things. Some of those things are small and mundane, like paying the bills or remembering to buy milk. Some of them feel big and important: wanting to be professionally successful, or to find a partner, or to have children. 

Love, art, healing, connection, wisdom: so many good things come from wanting.

Even though I left the church where I learned that desire was bad over fifteen years ago, I still find the lessons ingrained in my mind. It's a reflex for me to reach out and then just as quickly pull back, before anyone has a chance to reprimand me.

I have come to notice what a contorted life that leads me to live! It's very hard to go after a goal if you don't allow yourself to want it. I find myself walking sideways and bending into all kinds of weird shapes as I try to get what I want - without wanting it. Tricky. (Not surprisingly, this method is often unsuccessful.)

One side effect is that everything has a back up plan. Instead of applying my immense creativity into getting what I want, I pour it into coming up with alternatives and trying to convince myself that those would be fine, too. Sure, deep in my heart of hearts I desperately want X but of course Y or Z would be fine! Just fine!

It's the curse of the good girl. Ugh.

So lately I have been playing around with actively wanting. What does that feel like? What does it taste like, to unabashedly want? To celebrate and honor my desires? (Yikes, just writing that I can feel the disapproval wafting from my childhood.) 

I have been told that wanting is courageous because it is a place of deep vulnerability, and I can see that.

But I am surprised to find that when I want, I feel grounded. I feel whole. I'm not lying about who I am or what my values are, or trying not to take up space, or trying to make someone else happy.

There is a flavor of wanting - proudly wanting something that is in line with your values and soul purpose - that has so much delicious integrity to it.

Really???!!! Really. (Why didn't anyone tell me that?)

When I fully want something, the gates open. My energy is cohesive and directed. I'm not scattered, trying to be a non-being.

This is a new world for me, for sure. 

* * *

It is fascinating how desire can be so blatantly written off as "bad" when it's the impetus for all that is good in the world too. As far as I know English doesn't even have a way of differentiating between desires that bring us closer to the divine and those that bring us farther away. Sure, we all have desires that are worth overriding (like cutting someone off in traffic or generally being a jerk) but desire also brings us untold acts of love and kindness and beauty, fueled by our desire to connect with the infinite, ourselves and others.

Those are two very different things. Shouldn't there be two very different words to articulate them?

And isn't it also fascinating that desire and sexuality and creativity are all so intertwined, and that female desire is, in so many forms, taboo? (Are people scared of how much badness we would bring to the world if we connected to our desire, or are they scared of the potential tsunami of goodness?)

Of course, this being written by me, it all comes back to my body. How fascinating that my female organs - my organs most associated with fertility, creativity, pleasure, and yes, desire -have struggled with so much dysfunction and pain in this lifetime.

To Western medicine, my v pain is a chronic pain "disorder." Chronic pain doesn't make sense within that worldview. But sometimes when I step back and look at what I and so many other women go through on a daily basis, I'm like geez, no wonder my vagina spent so many years yelling at me to change.

I don't want to be in pain or wish it on others, and I am grateful that I have come so far in healing, but boy, don't tell my body that she didn't have a reason to send out distress signals. 'Cuz by golly she did!

* * *

PS Did this post get your brain gears crankin'?

Feel free to start a conversation below (it's okay, you can be anonymous)!

Yay, Yoga for V Pain classes started!

Victory dance!

I am so excited that my first "Yoga for V Pain" 5 class series started last Friday. Woo hoo! The series goes through November.

I am glad to be contributing to the yogic body of knowledge on v pain for a number of reasons. First, western medicine and gynecology are so behind the curve on this topic. 

Second, so is yoga.

Even though yoga in America today is often considered to be a women's activity, and indeed class attendance is dominated by female practitioners, historically yoga was a set of spiritual and religious practices by and for men - women were often intentionally excluded, their presence seen as harmful to men's focus. It's only been in the last twenty years or so that yoga has become popularized in the West, and in the West it has gained it's feminine connotations.

While women dominate the student body in the West, like so many other industries men dominate in leadership positions and are behind the big money in yoga - the founder of Lululemon, for instance, or the owners of various yoga chains (Bikram, CorePower.)

What does that mean for yoginis? ("Yoginis" are female practitioners, "yogis" are male.) The yoga we are teaching and practicing is still oriented towards male bodies, in ways large and small.

Sometimes I feel like a fish trying to see the water - the culture I grew up in is so male-dominated, and the yoga I have been taught is so male-dominated, and the medical system is so male-dominated, that I find myself struggling to imagine what a culture or yoga practice or medical care built to honor and nourish the female experience would look or feel like.

I persist in my inquiry anyway, with many questions and not many answers.

That said, I wonder if there will be a silver lining to the ignorance of v pain issues in Western medicine. Alternative and complementary modes of care are on the rise, and I hope v pain protocols of the future will benefit from the synergy between different schools of thought.

Yes, it is frustrating that my health care has been so poor, and the planet so ignorant about female bodies. But I am also excited to be part of the solution, and to be providing women helpful tools so they can be part of the solution too: in their own lives, yes, but also hopefully in the lives of others as well.

So here we go! Off on an adventure...

* * *

PS Did this post get your brain gears crankin'?

Feel free to start a conversation below (it's okay, you can be anonymous)!

Easy Research Participation Opportunity!

There's a new opportunity for women with v pain to participate in research!

No travel or time in the stirrups required. It's an online questionnaire from the same folks who brought you the VPAQ (and is indeed a followup to that study.)

Most of you are probably eligible to participate:

• you must have regularly experienced pain in your vulvar/genital region for at least six months
• be fluent in English
• over the age of 18
• have access to the Internet

To fill out the survey hop on over to the Queen's University Sex Lab info page. (I wanna work at a place called "Queen's Sex Lab." How awesome is that?) And you can follow them on Twitter, @qsexlab.

It's an easy peasy way to help advance much needed research on this topic. So go ahead, make your voice heard!

Yoga for V Pain Classes! AWESOME

I will be teaching a dedicated Yoga for V pain class this fall in Oakland and I am so excited!!! It's been a long time coming, but I finally found a good venue at good time and a decent price. Live locally? Check it out!

Why will this class be so totally awesome?

1. Discretion! I am renting a studio, not operating under their umbrella, so the class title won't be on their schedule anywhere. The studio is on the third floor of the building and the main ground floor entrance leads to another business as well (a women's clothing store) so people won't know why you're walking into 1635 Broadway. Maybe you just want an awesome new dress or are taking some other yoga class, amirite?
2. EVERYONE will have some kind of v pain, so you can ask all your v pain questions in a safe, confidential space.
3. It's a series! We'll have five classes to dive not only into anatomy but also a variety of yogic approaches that you can both practice at home or use to modify other classes you take.
4. It's a series Part 2! That means it will be the same group of women each time. You don't have to be brave enough to meet new people every time, just the once. It'll be like a book club for your vagina...
5. Come as you are! V health is so glaringly overlooked in yoga classes that it doesn't matter if you are a newbie or a seasoned practitioner, you will learn something new and awesome.
6. Come as you are Part 2! It doesn't matter if you have a diagnosis or not. Show up and we can help point you to resources you may be lacking.
7. Beautiful space! We will be at Barefoot Movement, all hardwood floors and high ceilings and original windows. There are mats to borrow (no charge) if you don't have one, and plenty of props to use for what a colleague of mine's 3 year old daughter calls "cozy yoga." You'll see why...
8. Convenient time! 7pm Fridays, but not all in a row so it won't mess up your social calendar...
9. Free street parking after 6pm, across the street from the 19th St BART station, and close to many bus lines.
10. Finally meet some other women dealing with this crap and have a good laugh and a good cry and eat some chocolate already!

You can learn more at my website faithcornwall.com, or head directly to my MeetUp group to sign up. $75 for 5 classes (that's $15/class, on the low side of average for the Bay Area.) Handouts will keep you caught up if you miss one!

Be there or be square!

* * *

PS Did this post get your brain gears crankin'?

Feel free to start a conversation below (it's okay, you can be anonymous)!