More Good Times

My husband and I wisely tacked on a few extra days to our trip, so we could be together after my in-laws had returned home.

This was a great idea.

We got to connect and have some quiet time to recover from the hustle and bustle of family before we returned home. We had originally planned on staying in Miami, but on a whim drove an hour south and spent the weekend in Key Largo. It was our first time in the Keys and we had a great time, snorkeling, kayaking, splashing in the hotel pool, watching the sunset, and singing the Beach Boys "Kokomo" ("...Key Largo, Montego, baby why don't we go to the Kokomo...")

Here's another postcard I picked up:

And here's a gorgeous image I snapped of, believe it or not, the cover of the Florida Keys Visitor Guide in our hotel room (I wish I remembered to write down the artist's name!) I find the colors and texture of this painting so inspiring and beautiful. It makes me grateful for art and artists.

Thank you artists.

The time in Key Largo gave me time to reflect on the trip, and made me realize how far my husband and I have come from the deep and dark times of the pain days.

As much as I would never wish chronic pain on anyone, I am so grateful to myself for making lemonade out of this big kahuna of a lemon. I have learned so much about myself and life, way more than I could write here in this one post.

Within this post I can say that all of these lessons have brought me to a place where I can enjoy time with my in-laws, an area of life that is a struggle for many married folks. I am grateful for that.

Again my dears, there is light, there is hope. While pelvic pain is all bad, it's effects don't have to be. You have the choice to create beauty out of the misery you are in.

Much love...

Tips for Family Visits

Ten Practical Tips

To Help You Get Through (and possibly even enjoy) Family Visits

1. Know your boundaries. What are you willing for family to know and not know about your health status?
2. Know the terrain. What is you family personality? How can you guide conversations so that you remain in your comfort zone?
3. Know the escape routes. What excuses work for you to head off and take a nap, ice, or do your PT exercises?
4. Identify your challenges. What is tough about family time? 
5. Proactively address your challenges. Have some tools to deal with each of those stressors. 
6. Avoid the Tar Pits. What irritating or painful thing sucks you in every time you see your family? Can you avoid it? If not, how can you experience it without becoming emotionally engaged?
7. Pick your battles. To keep your stress levels down, consider avoiding political arguments with Uncle Fred.
8. Find allies. If there are no allies to be had in your family, have a friend you can call during the visit for love and support.
9. Prioritize yourself. Get enough sleep. Eat well. Exercise. Journal. Watch funny TV shows. Do what you gotta do to keep your mood up.
10. Find fun! In some families this is easier said than done, but if you come from an average rather than severely dysfunctional family, appreciate the golden moments. Holding your sweet baby nephew, playing scrabble, going on a hike, your Dad's corny jokes. Look for the beauty in your crazy tangle of loved ones.

Happy travels!

Visiting with My In-laws

Visiting my in-laws is a whole different story than visiting with my family. Whereas my family is reserved, my husband's family is Brazilian.

You can imagine the culture clash. 

My in-laws only met me once before I developed vulvodynia, so they never got to meet athletic Faith or overachiever Faith or actress Faith or loud Faith. They instead see foreigner Faith, quiet Faith, exhausted Faith, and sunburned Faith.

I find it challenging to be around my in-laws because as Brazilians they have endless patience for people. Family get-togethers, late night dinners with friends, even buying toothpaste - everything is done in a group, the larger the better. As a non-native Portuguese speaker, the cacophony of voices that accompanies every activity makes it difficult for me to follow the conversation and quickly exhausts my brain.

Whenever I am around them I feel like a party pooper.

* * *

How have I dealt with pelvic pain with this troupe of loud, loving, social people? By clamming up.The same technique I used with my family, but for a different reason.

In my family pelvic health is personal and therefore confidential.

In my husband's family, such information is legitimate grist for the lightning-fast family communication network.

If I told one person about my pelvic pain, EVERYONE would know: not only my in-laws, but also cousins, aunts, uncles, grandparents, and the cousins, aunts, uncles and grandparents of the cousins, aunts, uncles, and grandparents.

Family friends and their families would know. The barber would know. The car mechanic would know. 

And I would be mortified.

This news-spreading is a national past-time, and in no way would my family mean to harm or embarrass me. Folks simply want to know how everyone is doing, and I have yet to discover a topic that is out of bounds.

So, while I have allowed my family to think of me as lazy, uncooperative, or a disappointment, I get the impression that my in-laws think of me as a weird American, a fragile being from a strange world where solitude is something enjoyable. 

In my early trips to Brazil I tried to attend every activity, but over the years I have learned to ask for time alone, and my new family has chalked up this bizarre request as a cultural difference. 

Being brave enough to pipe up and ask for accommodation, even if it is attributed to culture clash rather than health problems, has helped me a lot in handling the overwhelm of being in pain while in a different family, climate, culture, and time zone.

* * *

These days my pain is gone and my energy levels are up. Maybe some day I will adapt to Brazilian customs, but for now I am happy that I chose to retain my privacy, and even happier that over time my in-laws will get to know the new me: Healthy & Happy Faith. 

Visiting my Family

The hubster and I do a lot of traveling to see our sprawling, loving, close-knit families.

My husband and I live on the West Coast. My family lives on the East Coast. His family lives in South America.

This week, inspired by a trip to Florida with my in-laws, I am addressing the emotional and practical issues of traveling to see family.

While my husband and I love where we live, being so far away from family brings up issues like: How much do I tell them about my health issues? Do I need to? and being frustrated because they don't see on a daily basis how much I am struggling.

My Side of The Family

Vacation time with my family is usually low-key. We are rent-a-house-on-the-beach-or-mountains-and-chill people. Days are filled with the activity of your choice - reading, hiking, napping - and we gather for leisurely dinners. Other than occasional (but, when it happens, intense) drama, I can kick back and enjoy my people.

Lest you think I live in la-la land, please know that this vacation calm is a recent phenomenon. I have been through rocky times with my nuclear and extended family. My angsty teens and twenties, when I was dealing with a lot of personal crap regarding my family, meant vacations were emotionally stressful and made worse by my health problems and the long flight.

And how did I handle chronic pelvic pain on these vacations? By clamming up. I pushed my emotions and struggles as deep down as I could. I never let anyone see that I was sneaking ice packs from the freezer, and thankfully doing PT exercises could be done in the privacy of a shower.

I let people think that I was lazy, uncooperative, or a disappointment rather than tell them the truth - that I was exhausted, scared and hurting. Even my dear brothers didn't know that I have a chronic pain disorder until the last year or so, and I have never discussed the topic directly with my father.

While I would not recommend this approach, I understand why I chose it. I wasn't comfortable telling people about the state of my vulva, and so I chose privacy at the expense of physical comfort.

Even though my health has improved dramatically, I doubt that I will publicize my pelvic pain journey during family visits.

Nor will I hide it.

As my family asks me about what I am up to these days, I will honestly reply that I have been writing a blog for women with pelvic pain, taking a deep breath first and reminding myself that

I need to be the advocate I wish I had ten years ago.