Lube Preamble

I recently did an awesome interview all about lubes and v health with Sarah Mueller, an employee at progressive sex toy store The Smitten Kitten in Minneapolis, Minnesota. 

While I am super excited to share this interview with you, I realized that a discussion of the important role that lube can play in dealing with v pain would be a worthy preamble...

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Our bodies make our own natural lubricant as part of our sexual arousal response.* If you are enjoying sexual activity and you aren't "wet," it could mean a couple of different things. The most common is that you aren't yet fully aroused. Most women need 45 minutes of "outerplay" before their bodies will find vaginal penetration enjoyable, so even if you are having a good time, if you're not good and juicy after only fifteen or thirty minutes, that is not a sign of pathology. (And remember, humans are endlessly variable, so that 45 minute estimate may be shorter or longer for you personally and depending on that day's circumstances. If you've been feeling happy and sexy all day, you'll probably lube up faster than if you are feeling miserable and stressed.)

What if you are not lubricating sufficiently even after 45 minutes or more of outerplay? In some cases a lack of vaginal lubrication can be a sign of hormonal imbalance. It is very common for menopausal women to have difficulty lubricating, for instance. Regardless of whether the cause is menopause or some other underlying issue, hormonal medications may help. These could be topically applied low-dose estrogen creams, or oral hormonal therapy. Your gynecologist is the person to ask for advice and a prescription if needed.

If our bodies lubricate on their own, why use a personal lubricant product? Many reasons: 

(1) Lubes can be useful in non-sexy medical situations in which you may not lubricate on your own. This includes gynecological exams, and any time a medical provider needs to insert something (a speculum, ultrasound wand, dilator, etc) in your vagina. If you are working with a physical therapist to reduce your v pain symptoms, they may teach you self-massage or exercises with a dilator to do at home, both of which can be made more comfortable with lube.

(2) Lubes can be useful if you do not produce as much of your own lube as you would wish, and in some cases a little bit more can mean the difference between toe curling pleasure perfection and "this isn't doing it for me." 

(3) You can use lube on a body part that doesn't produce its own. A common example would be for anal play, but here's another one: if your partner is a man and you would like to avoid vaginal penetration (or simply would like to expand your repertoire of clitoral enjoyment), an option for outercourse is to lube up your inner thighs and have him "penetrate" the space between your v and thighs. Slide his cock up close to your v so you enjoy the clitoral stimulation. You can do this either spooning or face-to-face. This is nice because it mimics the physical, full-body closeness that some intercourse positions bring, but oral sex doesn't usually provide. Tip: your pubic hair may chafe his delicate man parts, so he may be more comfortable wearing a condom for this technique. 

(4) Lastly, you and/or your partner(s) may simply enjoy or prefer the particular sensation a lube product provides. There are many different types of lube and each one feels a little different: some are thick and gooey, others thinner and more slippery. Some people may have only one that they swear by, while others may keep a number of lubes on hand because they enjoy the variety.

So to sum up: lube can be quite helpful both in terms of your self-care (dilators and self-massage) and your sex life. It can be a useful tool for anyone, but especially so for folks with v pain.

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So now that you know why you might be interested to learn more about lube, what lubes are out there? And does it matter which one you use?

The answer to the first question is there are tons of options, from olive oil and coconut oil at the supermarket to KY at the drugstore and a whole host of brands you can find online or at at your friendly neighborhood sex toy store. 

And to answer the second question, yes, it sure as heck does matter which lube you use! Our mucous membranes (including our vulvar and vaginal tissues) are delicate, and poor hygiene habits and yes, suboptimal lubes, can disrupt your genital ecosystem and lead to such nasties as yeast infections, contact dermatitis, and BV (bacterial vaginosis.) Which means that heck yes a crummy lube - instead of supporting your healing - could actually set you back. 

Listen to the interview next week for the scoop!

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* important side note: Sometimes female rape victims do lubricate while being raped. That does not mean they consent, or that they are enjoying it, or that the act is not a rape. Lubrication in this instance is part of the body's self-protective mechanism; a lubricated vagina will suffer less damage than a dry one.

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PS Did this post get your brain gears crankin'?

Feel free to start a conversation below (it's okay, you can be anonymous)!

Interview with Melissa Jones: Part 3

Looking for the first two parts of the interview? You can find Part 1 (Introduction) here, and Part 2 (focused more on couples) here.

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Of course, not all women suffering from v pain are in relationships, and Jones works with them too. Being single doesn't mean you aren't a sexual being, or that you can't work on improving your sex life. 

The work Jones does with singles is not greatly different from the work she does with couples. She may support her client in finding appropriate medical help such as a physical therapist, and learning how to use dilators to teach the body how to get used to penetration. Jones also works with women on finding their sexual confidence and learning what turns them on. This may involve educating her client about what the great wide world of sex has to offer, and teaching the client tools so she can explore and learn about herself: her needs, desires, and values.

Should her client decide to seek out a relationship, they can then work on learning how to communicate her new-found sexual knowledge and preferences to a partner.

While listening to Jones, it struck me that while in our culture we often assume someone's sexuality is dormant when they are single, being single is actually a great time to explore one's interests and desires. In a couple, you constantly have to deal with your partner, and it can be challenging to sort out what is them and what is you. But single? There is no partner to muddy the waters. You get clarity about you.

Should you then decide to go back on the dating market after your period of sexy self-exploration and clarification, you can enter with confidence and ease, rather than from a place of sexual starvation and neediness. How cool is that?

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The common thread between women and men, v pain clients and pain-free clients, couples and singles, is the need for communication: honest communication with yourself, and with your partner should you have one.

Due to this need for foundational communication skills, Jones believes in starting early. Teaching kids about sex is "not a one-time conversation," she says. She has taught her own kids that sex is supposed to be great, and that it needs to be done for yourself and to be in alignment with your own desires and values, not to please someone else. As a parent, she and her husband believe in setting a good example, by taking time to be together just the two of them.

These communication skills need to be emphasized as children grow beyond childhood: Jones encourages teaching high school and college students the practical tools they need to have a rewarding and healthy sex life as well, and of course the need for education continues into adulthood. 

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You can probably tell that I had a great time talking with Melissa Jones! She has what I call "sexual integrity": a broad knowledge of what the world of sex has to offer, and strong values that serve as a compass, so she can navigate what's on offer and partake of only what will truly and deeply nourish her mind, body, and soul. She clearly loves helping other women navigate their own journeys.

If you'd like to learn more about or work with Melissa Jones, hop on over to the Sexology Institute and Boutique website. In addition to holding a wide variety of fun, informative, and juicy classes and workshops, they have a storefront that sells high quality sex toys. Don't live in San Antonio? No problem! Jones works with individuals and couples on Skype.

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PS Did this post get your brain gears crankin'?

Feel free to start a conversation below (it's okay, you can be anonymous)!

Melissa Jones: Interview Part 2

If you missed the introduction to Melissa Jones of the Sexology Institute and Boutique, you can find it here.

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About thirty percent of Jones' clients experience painful sex. All women? I asked. Single? Couples?

Usually clients experiencing painful sex are women, but occasionally men with a history of prostate or testicular problems might have pain issues as well. About half of the women experiencing painful sex she sees come alone - either because they are single, or because they want support alone, without their partners with them.

The causes are varied; some women have vulvodynia or another gynecological diagnosis and are experiencing pain throughout the day, others only experience pain with sex. Pain only with sex may be due to a particular health issue, or it could be a simple lack of arousal and lubrication; it is common for menopausal women to experience pain because hormonal changes have made it harder for them to lubricate properly. Some women have mild pain, but Jones has also had clients with severe, debilitating pain.

"I think more people have painful sex than we realize," says Jones. "It's just that we don't talk about it."

Jones has a variety of health professionals in her network to refer these clients to, to make sure that they get appropriate medical treatment. But doctors can't help with building or re-building a fulfilling sex life, and that where Jones steps in.

In a case where the woman is partnered, she said that it is common for her partner to feel incredibly frustrated and powerless to help the woman they love. With one partner in pain and the other feeling powerless and disappointed, there can be a host of communication issues. The woman in pain may start to shrug away from hugs, for instance, fearing that any touch will lead to painful intercourse. 

The first step Jones may take with such clients is to take intercourse off the table so the couple can reclaim their trust and intimacy. Without fear of pain, they can snuggle naked while watching a movie, and go back to hugging, kissing, and hand-holding. This builds to further exploration - how can we enjoy each other without pain? They can proceed to learn all sorts of ways to pleasure each other that don't involve creating pain. This way they can maintain pleasure and intimacy through what can be a stressful medical process and beyond.

Interestingly enough, the work Jones does with couples who do not have pain with sex is similar.

"There's a difference between having sex and making love," she says. Sex lives tend to wane under the pressures of modern-day life, and are reduced to brief mechanical interactions. The cure here, as with v pain, is to re-establish connection and pleasure. An important part of this is setting aside time, turning off phones and laptops, locking the door, and giving partners the gift of 100% of their lover's attention.

Jones observes that women with and without v pain again face a similar challenge with sex: they often tolerate something they don't enjoy in order to make their partner happy, or to avoid being or being perceived as critical. While women supposedly do this for the benefit of their partners, Jones notes that in the long term it does neither partner any good. Men can tell when women fake pleasure, and over time the gnawing sense that they are not "doing it right" eats away at their own self esteem and sexual confidence.

The solution is for people to learn how to communicate honestly from the get-go. Yes, that means learning how to deal with the discomfort of speaking up for yourself despite (and because of) your vulnerability.

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I have seen so many women within the v pain community get the idea in their head that they are broken and unloveable, especially our sisters who have undergone a divorce or break up in part due to v pain. I found it very heartening to hear from Jones that while her v pain clients may have additional medical things to deal with, in her office they learn the same skills everybody else does: how to slow down, communicate, and connect.

V pain or no, many couples struggle to create and maintain a fulfilling and healthy sex life.

That makes a lot of sense given how little quality information we have available about sexuality, no?

The takeaway? If you think that you are broken and unloveable due to v pain, or have been dumped due to v pain, try this on for size: "I live in a society with limited access to high quality sex ed. Our relationship fell apart not because I have v pain but because we couldn't find good communication tools and excellent sex ed fast enough." or "I'm struggling not because of my v pain, but because I live in a society where sex ed and communication tools are not widely available, and I still need to find and learn about them."

In short: Ladies with v pain, you can totally pleasure a partner and be pleasured in return! Your lack of skill in this department has very little to do with you as an individual and a lot to do with the society you grew up in. 

Time to shake off those shame-shackles and get yourself the knowledge you need to thrive!

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"But wait! Not all women suffering from v pain are in relationships!" you say. I hear ya. We'll talk about how Jones works with single women in the next post. See you then!

PS Wanna talk? Feel free to start a conversation in the comments below! 

Introduction to Melissa Jones: Interview Part 1

I had the immense pleasure of interviewing Melissa Jones of the Sexology Institute and Boutique in San Antonio, Texas last week. A few weeks ago, through the magic of social media, I stumbled across an announcement for a workshop on dealing with painful sex held at her shop. Whaaaa? Intrigued, I looked up her site, was impressed, and arranged to speak with her.

While the Sexology Institute and Boutique opened this past February 2015, Jones has been a sex educator and coach since 2008. A member of the Church of Latter Day Saints, aka a Mormon, she  led summer camps for girls as her kids were growing up. One night after the campers were asleep in their tents, the moms were sitting around the fire and started talking about how unhappy they were with their sex lives. They felt like it was a job, or didn't find it very pleasurable, or were frustrated in their attempts to improve it. 

A lightbulb went off. Jones, who had been raised by parents who portrayed sex in a positive light and were open to discussing it, thoroughly enjoyed the sex life she had with her husband. In her view, sex was a gift with the potential to bring couples closer together; it could be empowering and loving, and she wanted other women to have that. In addition, she was troubled by the negative attitudes towards sex that her children were picking up at school and in the wider community.

She became a Certified Sexologist and started offering private coaching sessions in her San Antonio office in 2008. She also offers sessions for individuals and couples for out-of-towners through Skype. Along with a great team of women, she opened her shop, which also includes an erotic art gallery and workshop and event space, this past winter. It's walking distance from the Alamo should you ever find yourself in San Antonio! While she personally reserves sex for marriage, she realizes that the world is a diverse place and works with men and women of different sexual orientations, partnered, polyamorous, or single. Her goal is to empower men and women to have a healthy sex life.

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Usually at this point in hearing about some awesome sex-positive resource or person, I scan their offerings and notice, hmm, that's great but they don't seem to know anything about v pain. Blerg.

But this is where Jones is different! On her website under coaching services, she specifically notes painful sex as an issue she helps with; and she has had not one but TWO workshops on painful sex, presented by Peggy Francis, DNP (Doctor of Nursing Practice,) within six months of opening her storefront.

Turns out roughly 30% of her clients deal with painful sex. Whaaaa? Thirty percent? Yup, you read that right.

Not only that, Ms Jones has interstitial cystitis and lupus, so she is no stranger to the challenges chronic illness can bring to the bedroom.

Nest week, part 2! Let's learn what this rockin' lady has to teach us about how v pain doesn't have to keep you from a rewarding sexuality.

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Yup! Feel free to start a conversation with your fellow readers in complete privacy. ;)

College Students Researching V Pain

I had the pleasure this past Friday of giving a Skype presentation to a group of five rising sophomores studying vulvodynia and immunology as part of a summer research project. I met their professor a few weeks ago at my college reunion, and she asked me to talk to them so they could have a better understanding of what v pain patients go through.

I sketched out my journey for them, and then led a discussion on how societal values shape scientific research - i.e, helping them understand WHY it was so hard for me to find care. Within the lab scientists work hard to eliminate bias, but what question they are researching is subject to the blindspots and prejudices of the society in which that scientist operates.

I hope that they took away an understanding not only of the importance of the research they are doing and ideas for how they can support and create change outside the lab, but also a greater sense of the context in which they practice science. It was fun to hear their comments and questions, to see the gears whirring as they took it all in.

I have to say it was SO AWESOME. If you told me ten years ago that I would one day talk about my v pain in public to strangers, I would have been have been mortified. But - with a mere eleven years of processing my shame and baggage around the topic under my belt - it was great. V pain is connected to so many topics I already love talking about: the role of women in society, sex, feminism, social change, justice, class, race, power structures, history, relationships, emotions, spirituality, personal growth...the list goes on. I am by nature a very holistic, big picture thinker, someone who loves to see how everything is connected, and v pain lends itself to that ability very nicely.

This was the first time I have ever (1.) done a presentation on v pain and (2.) told complete strangers about my experience of v pain in a conversation rather than via writing (totally different not hiding behind the keyboard!) and (3.) given a presentation of any kind in an college setting, as a non-student.

It was a big step for me. This Skype presentation helped me see how much progress I've made in learning how to communicate about v pain, and it was so validating to see that others could benefit from my knowledge. Sure, I stumbled and was less than articulate at times, but isn't there a saying about "Speak the truth, even if your voice shakes?"

So the moral of the story is: 

Even if you are deeply troubled by your v pain and have a tough time talking about it today, that doesn't mean that you won't someday shake off those shame-shackles and be completely capable of telling your story from a place of power and pride.

You are amazing, wherever you are on your journey. Remember that!

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Did you know that you can comment anonymously?

Yup! Feel free to start a conversation with complete privacy. ;)