Prepping for the Holidays

It's November, yo. Thanksgiving is but two weeks away, kicking off a month and a half long parade of winter festivities.

Do you have a plan?

I ask you this because in my humble experience poorly managed holidays can be really stressful. Amidst the whirl of activities, shopping, gift-giving, decorating, and cooking, there is the underlying cloud of expectations.

Rarely are these expectations clearly defined or articulated, but there they are, lurking in our subconscious and those of everyone around us.

Not only may you not be aware of your own hopes, but also the hopes of everyone else around you. Your boss and co-workers; your family; your friends; your community. They are pulling on you, asking for attention, and we feel compelled to respond to them even when we don't even know what they really are.

Despite (or because of?) their vague-ness, when these subconscious expectations are not met, they can lead to all sorts of tension, disappointment, and hurt feelings.

By bringing my own expectations and desires to light, and looking ahead at everything I expect of myself and what others will expect of me, I am able to sort through the mess, make adjustments, and plan for a wonderful season.

* * *

I have dealt with the holiday bluster in many ways over the years, in often a less than graceful manner. It's been tricky for me since I have chosen the option to (until recently) keep my pain disorder private; people haven't understood why I am not thrilled at the prospect of cutting down a Christmas tree or decorating cookies all afternoon. This has made things pretty dicey, and I have walked on my share of of eggshells. In the process I have repeatedly disappointed those around me.

My family likes to do Christmas to the power of ten, and my lack of enthusiasm was alternately viewed as bad behavior, not being a team player, poor attitude, and, most threatening of all, a sign that I didn't love them. 

Rising above this tangle and creating an enjoyable holiday season for me has required

• taking care of myself first
• articulating to myself what I do and do not like about the holidays
• maintaining strong boundaries.

Selfish? Oh no. It's not selfish to change my own behaviors with the goal of better participating in the group. On the contrary; it would be selfish of me to attempt to change everyone else so that they met my expectations. 

After all, my friends and family prefer to spend time with me when I am happy and grounded. Who wants to celebrate the holidays with the bat-shit crazy version of a loved one? By doing myself a favor I do everyone a favor.

(Bonus: my behavior shows those who routinely take on too much stress during the holidays that there are other options.)

* * *

It's been a rough ride and I have ruffled a lot of feathers, but things have smoothed out. By knowing what my expectations and boundaries are, I keep my head above the roiling emotional waters swirling around me.

Over time, my family has slowly come to accept that I appreciate keeping things light and simple, and I have seen people relax their own high standards in response. 

We are more comfortable with having people celebrate in different ways (me not decorating cookies does not preclude someone else from doing the same) while maintaining the most important tradition: loving each other.

All the work of sticking to my guns has been worth it. By focusing on what brings me the most joy, and minimizing or avoiding the stuff I find draining, I make it though December without turning into a Grinch or a cynical burnt-out shell. When the New Year comes along I am happy to greet it.

And that makes for the Happiest Holidays of all.

Good Times

Hey all! Last week's posts were inspired by a trip to Florida with my in-laws. This week I thought I would share some images from the trip and thoughts I had, for funsies....

Here's one of the postcards I sent out:

We started out in Orlando cuz the in-laws had to hit up the theme parks and the outlets. Theme parks and shopping? This is exactly the kind of trip I would  never take. But as my sister says, we have family so we hang out with people we never would otherwise, so off I went, determined to go with the flow and have tons of fun.

And gosh darn it I did. 

I screamed on the roller coasters, stared in awe at penguins and dolphins, and went on every ride at the water park. I made up fairytales featuring my niece and her favorite Disney princess, Cinderella, as the heroines. I ate my weight in candy, and went along to the outlets and happily got some great finds.

It was really great having an opportunity to be with my in-laws in an energetic and happy, pain-free state, something I have (almost) never experienced.  This trip was even more fun than my first trip with them - before I developed vulvodynia - because I have grown so much and become a much stronger, more relaxed person. 

I share this to let you know that there is light at the end of the tunnel, that you too can heal your body, mind, and soul. Pelvic pain won't necessarily be around forever. Keep truckin', darling.

Good things await!

Tips for Family Visits

Ten Practical Tips

To Help You Get Through (and possibly even enjoy) Family Visits

1. Know your boundaries. What are you willing for family to know and not know about your health status?
2. Know the terrain. What is you family personality? How can you guide conversations so that you remain in your comfort zone?
3. Know the escape routes. What excuses work for you to head off and take a nap, ice, or do your PT exercises?
4. Identify your challenges. What is tough about family time? 
5. Proactively address your challenges. Have some tools to deal with each of those stressors. 
6. Avoid the Tar Pits. What irritating or painful thing sucks you in every time you see your family? Can you avoid it? If not, how can you experience it without becoming emotionally engaged?
7. Pick your battles. To keep your stress levels down, consider avoiding political arguments with Uncle Fred.
8. Find allies. If there are no allies to be had in your family, have a friend you can call during the visit for love and support.
9. Prioritize yourself. Get enough sleep. Eat well. Exercise. Journal. Watch funny TV shows. Do what you gotta do to keep your mood up.
10. Find fun! In some families this is easier said than done, but if you come from an average rather than severely dysfunctional family, appreciate the golden moments. Holding your sweet baby nephew, playing scrabble, going on a hike, your Dad's corny jokes. Look for the beauty in your crazy tangle of loved ones.

Happy travels!

Visiting with My In-laws

Visiting my in-laws is a whole different story than visiting with my family. Whereas my family is reserved, my husband's family is Brazilian.

You can imagine the culture clash. 

My in-laws only met me once before I developed vulvodynia, so they never got to meet athletic Faith or overachiever Faith or actress Faith or loud Faith. They instead see foreigner Faith, quiet Faith, exhausted Faith, and sunburned Faith.

I find it challenging to be around my in-laws because as Brazilians they have endless patience for people. Family get-togethers, late night dinners with friends, even buying toothpaste - everything is done in a group, the larger the better. As a non-native Portuguese speaker, the cacophony of voices that accompanies every activity makes it difficult for me to follow the conversation and quickly exhausts my brain.

Whenever I am around them I feel like a party pooper.

* * *

How have I dealt with pelvic pain with this troupe of loud, loving, social people? By clamming up.The same technique I used with my family, but for a different reason.

In my family pelvic health is personal and therefore confidential.

In my husband's family, such information is legitimate grist for the lightning-fast family communication network.

If I told one person about my pelvic pain, EVERYONE would know: not only my in-laws, but also cousins, aunts, uncles, grandparents, and the cousins, aunts, uncles and grandparents of the cousins, aunts, uncles, and grandparents.

Family friends and their families would know. The barber would know. The car mechanic would know. 

And I would be mortified.

This news-spreading is a national past-time, and in no way would my family mean to harm or embarrass me. Folks simply want to know how everyone is doing, and I have yet to discover a topic that is out of bounds.

So, while I have allowed my family to think of me as lazy, uncooperative, or a disappointment, I get the impression that my in-laws think of me as a weird American, a fragile being from a strange world where solitude is something enjoyable. 

In my early trips to Brazil I tried to attend every activity, but over the years I have learned to ask for time alone, and my new family has chalked up this bizarre request as a cultural difference. 

Being brave enough to pipe up and ask for accommodation, even if it is attributed to culture clash rather than health problems, has helped me a lot in handling the overwhelm of being in pain while in a different family, climate, culture, and time zone.

* * *

These days my pain is gone and my energy levels are up. Maybe some day I will adapt to Brazilian customs, but for now I am happy that I chose to retain my privacy, and even happier that over time my in-laws will get to know the new me: Healthy & Happy Faith. 

Visiting my Family

The hubster and I do a lot of traveling to see our sprawling, loving, close-knit families.

My husband and I live on the West Coast. My family lives on the East Coast. His family lives in South America.

This week, inspired by a trip to Florida with my in-laws, I am addressing the emotional and practical issues of traveling to see family.

While my husband and I love where we live, being so far away from family brings up issues like: How much do I tell them about my health issues? Do I need to? and being frustrated because they don't see on a daily basis how much I am struggling.

My Side of The Family

Vacation time with my family is usually low-key. We are rent-a-house-on-the-beach-or-mountains-and-chill people. Days are filled with the activity of your choice - reading, hiking, napping - and we gather for leisurely dinners. Other than occasional (but, when it happens, intense) drama, I can kick back and enjoy my people.

Lest you think I live in la-la land, please know that this vacation calm is a recent phenomenon. I have been through rocky times with my nuclear and extended family. My angsty teens and twenties, when I was dealing with a lot of personal crap regarding my family, meant vacations were emotionally stressful and made worse by my health problems and the long flight.

And how did I handle chronic pelvic pain on these vacations? By clamming up. I pushed my emotions and struggles as deep down as I could. I never let anyone see that I was sneaking ice packs from the freezer, and thankfully doing PT exercises could be done in the privacy of a shower.

I let people think that I was lazy, uncooperative, or a disappointment rather than tell them the truth - that I was exhausted, scared and hurting. Even my dear brothers didn't know that I have a chronic pain disorder until the last year or so, and I have never discussed the topic directly with my father.

While I would not recommend this approach, I understand why I chose it. I wasn't comfortable telling people about the state of my vulva, and so I chose privacy at the expense of physical comfort.

Even though my health has improved dramatically, I doubt that I will publicize my pelvic pain journey during family visits.

Nor will I hide it.

As my family asks me about what I am up to these days, I will honestly reply that I have been writing a blog for women with pelvic pain, taking a deep breath first and reminding myself that

I need to be the advocate I wish I had ten years ago.